tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-74767201902984150842024-02-08T10:05:54.494-08:00Our Sesame Seedletters to you, my growing baby, from your loving mama. Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11873204172592039019noreply@blogger.comBlogger31125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7476720190298415084.post-71678915519499164732014-07-01T15:24:00.003-07:002014-07-01T15:24:32.762-07:00Sweet BabyDear Baby Bear,<br />
<br />
You are lying beside me, sleeping on your Daddy's chest. You were both so exhausted. The summer has been hot and humid and though you love the outdoors, it tires you out. As always, I just want to stare at you. You, my Baby Bear, the most precious gift I have ever received.<br />
<br />
Speaking of gifts, it was my birthday this week. It was, by far the most wonderful birthday I have ever had. We had a simple day, simply perfect. You and your Daddy secretly made me breakfast in bed while I slept. When the two of you woke me, I smiled so much my cheeks hurt. I kept looking at the two of you and wondering - could this be real! Could my life have come to this - to this place of utter bliss and contentment? The only birthday wish I could think of, the one that ran through my mind all day, was if only I could freeze this moment in time. This moment with your precious tininess, with our amazement at your every breath and movement, with the deep love the three of us share - our little family is exploding with it.<br />
<br />
But all things change, as you will learn, and watching you grow is incredible. Yesterday, for the first time, we had a long play session. We sang together (Eensy Weensy Spider & Open Shut Them) we read a book (What Do You Do With An Idea?) we played on your play-mat, and in between you smiled, we cuddled, and I watched in amazement as you grew before my eyes. We went to see your doctor last week (we love him) and he was so thrilled and impressed by your growth. He couldn't get over how long you had gotten.<br />
<br />
Your Daddy and I are so proud of you. Proud of everything you do - of the way you communicate your needs to us, of the way you help us get to know you. You have a loud, strong cry. You always let us know when something is wrong. You are a great cuddler. You have just begun to smile and it makes our hearts melt when we see it. Baby Bear, I could never explain to you, though I will always try, how much I love you.<br />
<br />
I am overwhelmed with love for you, little one,<br />
<br />
Your Mama<br />
<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11873204172592039019noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7476720190298415084.post-41583924144141605262014-05-28T05:21:00.000-07:002014-05-28T05:21:20.249-07:00Now We Have EverythingDear Baby Bear,<br />
<br />
At some point, Mama should probably write a note about your birth - it was quite the adventure in many unexpected ways. But right now, with your warm body in my arms, all I want to do is smell your skin and tell you how much I love you. Baby Bear, the past week with you in my life has been the most beautiful gift I could ever dream of. In all these years and months of waiting for you and loving you, I could never have imagined this. This deep love, down in the center of my being. When you cry my Baby, I feel it in my bones, it hurts me. When I walk into a room without you, the whole world seems empty. How, my Baby Love, did I ever live without you?<br />
<br />
You, Baby Bear, are the most perfect blessing of a baby. You move in the most adorable ways, your Daddy and I could just sit and watch you for hours. You stretch your little arms and wrinkle your face and our hearts light up. I love the way your eyes open wide when you hear bird calls and you turn towards the sound and listen in complete stillness. I love the way you grasp Daddy's finger when he is cuddling with you, and sometimes you shove it into your mouth. I love when you finish eating and you slip into a food coma and slide off my breast, you lay on my belly with your own belly full and complete contenment on your face.<br />
<br />
Baby Bear, I love the small traditions we have already created as a family. Last night we all took a bath together - your first real bath because your umbilical cord had just fallen off. We snuggled, you ate in the bath, we washed you and splashed a bit. It was so sweet. In the mornings, we sing our own little version of Modei Ani - I am Grateful - and sing about the things we are grateful for in the morning. Then Mama gets up and takes care of herself while you nap with your Daddy. It was so meaningful for us when we got to light three candles to welcome in Shabbat this week. For the past month we have been wondering when that week would come, and here it is - Baby Bear, you have made us a family. <br />
<br />
I am overwhelmed with love for you, little one,<br />
<br />
Your MamaAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11873204172592039019noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7476720190298415084.post-29805381057216532732014-05-16T06:13:00.001-07:002014-05-16T06:13:27.066-07:00An InvitationDear Sesame Seed,<br />
<br />
The day of your birth is drawing so close. Every single night I go to bed thinking, maybe tonight I will wake up in labor? And every morning I wake up thinking, maybe today will be your birth-day? Your Daddy and I keep on talking to you, telling you how excited we are for you to be here. We've been telling you about all the exciting plans we make and how we want you to join us for them. We've been telling you about all the ways we can show you our love when you are on the outside. Of course, we know you will choose the right time for your birth. It's your call, my Baby, but we are ever so anxious to meet you.<br />
<br />
Everyone else, everyone who already loves you, is also excited and anxious. So many people are sending you love and strength for the big adventure we have ahead of us. And it will be quite and adventure! I want you to know, my Baby, that we are partners for this big day to come. It might be a little scary, and it is certain to be hard, but Baby, we are going to work together. I already see how strong you are, from the way you kick and move about, and I know your strength will help me. I want you to know that I am strong too. My desire to hold you in my arms will guide me to bring you into the world, and I would do anything to bring us together. If it's scary for you, as you push through the birth canal, as you enter a world of brights lights and harsh noises, know that your Daddy and I are here, on the other side, waiting to bring you comfort. We will hold you tight, we will sing to you softly, and we will make sure you know how much you are loved.<br />
<br />
Sweet One, you are everything I've ever wanted. I cannot wait to kiss your sweet face, to breathe your smell, and to share with you all the love I have to give. Please, my Baby Love, come to us soon.<br />
<br />
I already love you, little one,<br />
<br />
Your MamaAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11873204172592039019noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7476720190298415084.post-63522182458013017452014-03-14T05:52:00.000-07:002014-03-14T05:52:09.048-07:00Spring in the AirDear Sesame Seed,<br />
<br />
I have been doing less writing to you and more preparing for your arrival recently. Actively doing things to get ready for you is not strictly necessary, but it helps Daddy and I to get our minds in the right place. I can't wait to share all the projects I have been making for you! So far, I have one quilt and one blanket for you, plus an almost finished quilt. I would never have believed I could make all that before I had such a good reason to try. I have also made a bunch of baby wipes, a couple of fabric boxes to hold your stuff and have attempted, but have not yet been successful, to start making you some clothing. Daddy has made you two wonderful stuffed animals. He told you about Izzy already. The other one is Sleepy Snake, anyone who sees him can't help but cuddle up against him and get cozy. He is like a baby-sized body pillow.<br />
<br />
Besides for crafts, we've also been doing a lot of reading, researching and learning about various decisions we will eventually need to make. We have started to try to find you a doctor, we met with one so far. We are thinking about making our house safer for you, and about all the fun things we will do once you are here.<br />
<br />
The other day we had our first really warm day. It felt like spring, and your arrival seemed so close because I have been saying you are due in the spring for so long. I took out a blanket and lay on the grass in the sun reading and day dreaming for a while. I think that every time I've done that, for the past maybe ten years, I have wished for a baby who would lay next to me. Who would look up at me and call me Mama. Now, that is so close. Baby, have I told you yet how grateful I am for you? I am overwhelmed by how beautiful our life is right now, and how wonderful it is going to be. When we lie in bed, just Daddy, me and you in my belly, the world is so prefect, so right.<br />
<br />
Baby, this pregnancy has gotten physically harder for me in the last few weeks. I get very little sleep and sometimes I feel delirious with tiredness. A lot of my body hurts, and sometimes I get so frustrated. But Baby, you are such a gift. Even while I hurt, even if I say I can't handle it, Baby Dearest, you are everything I have ever dreamed of. And I can't wait to hold you in my arms.<br />
<br />
I already love you, little one,<br />
<br />
Your MamaAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11873204172592039019noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7476720190298415084.post-48271619317326850542014-03-04T04:33:00.000-08:002014-03-04T04:33:39.452-08:00From Daddy<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">
Dear little sesame seed, </div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">
You are getting so much bigger than a sesame seed - your mommas belly is hugeamongous! Oh, by the way, this is your daddy. Your momma asked me to write a little love note to you so here it is. </div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">
I made you a little friend that I'm so excited for you to meet. He is a stuffed animal, I gave him the name Izzy but you can choose a different one if you want. He's all yours and you can decide. I hope you'll like him. He's not like every other animal friend - he looks a little funny, his mouth is lopsided, his eyes are buttons, and his body is a wonky shape. I made him with my own hands for you. </div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">
Baby, your momma and I are so excited for you to come and we spend a lot of time making things for you with our hands. We want everything you see and sleep on and play with to be made with so much love. We want every stitch on every toy to be sewn with so much love. We want your life to be filled with strange, funny toys that are creative and colorful so you grow up knowing that life is filled with strange, funny things that you can play an active role in creating. </div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">
So you have Izzy. And your momma has made the most beautiful quilts. And I upholstered (that means, I made the cushions for) the glider that your momma will sit on while she holds you and feeds you at night. You won't notice things like that because you are just a sweet, wonderful baby who doesn't care about things like that. But I think you'll know. I think you'll notice how silly Izzy is and it will help you to be silly too.</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">
I can't wait for you to drool all over Izzy and throw him on the floor. He's just waiting around for it. </div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">
See you sooner than you know! </div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">
love,</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">
your daddy</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11873204172592039019noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7476720190298415084.post-61503508332275593062014-02-15T14:44:00.001-08:002014-02-15T14:44:43.859-08:00Growing JoysDear Sesame Seed,<br />
<br />
My are you growing! You must be gaining an ounce a minute, because all I can do is eat, eat, eat and I still feel hungry in between bites. Today, you got your first (I think) taste of a snickers bar. I hope the heavenly sweet gooiness made it through your umbilical cord. Your Daddy went out to pick up a pie of pizza (it's not worth getting a slice 'cuz I'd be hungry in two minutes) and came home with that and a snickers bar for me. Baby, you got one awesome Daddy.<br />
<br />
I always thought I'd be one of those Mama's who only feeds you super healthful food. Maybe I still will be, most of the time, but I can't say I'm not excited to watch you bite into your first slice of pizza or lick your first ice cream.<br />
<br />
So much has happened since I last wrote you a letter.<br />
<br />
Yesterday, we saw your eight-year-old cousin A. It seems like he noticed my belly for the first time, and he was thrilled by the discovery. Sesame Seed, if he made one thing clear, it's that he loves you. He sat with his hand on my belly, feeling you kick, with bright eyes and the sweetest smile. It was so beautiful to see him connect with you in that way.<br />
<br />
Last week, we went to the city to see a Broadway show for your Grandpa's birthday. We saw Pippin, a show full of awesome dancing, costumes, acrobatics and singing. Your Daddy talked about one of his favorite shows, The Blue Man Group, and how excited he is to bring you to see it one day.<br />
<br />
We also got to spend three days at a hotel with our dear friend R and her Baby A. I was watching A while her Ima was attending a conference. It was so sweet to hold her and play with her, to feel a baby in my arms. I hope the two of you will be the best of friends. A couple times she fell asleep in my arms and you kicked in my belly. It was nice to feel the two of you at the same time. I worried that you might feel jealous, but your Daddy said he thought you were comfortable right where you were. I hope so. Soon you will be the baby in my arms. I can't wait to hold you.<br />
<br />
I already love you, little one,<br />
<br />
Your Mama<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11873204172592039019noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7476720190298415084.post-66619481808425166792014-02-04T17:17:00.000-08:002014-02-04T17:18:17.315-08:00Dear MamaDear Ryvr, soon to be Mama,<br />
<br />
Sesame Seed, I hope you'll forgive me, but this is not going to be a letter to you. Instead, I am writing a letter to myself. Your birth is coming closer every day. I am 6.5 months pregnant, and time is moving quickly. You will be here so soon. As your birth comes closer, I want to take a moment to record the things I want to remember during your birth. Although I do not feel any fear of your birth, I know that pain often overwhelms me. I want to be able to remember this feeling of fearlessness when the time comes. So, here goes.<br />
<br />
Ryvr, you are a strong woman. To begin with, the woman part. Though you have grappled for years with identifying yourself as female, there is no doubt that you can do what women have been doing for thousands of years. You can birth your baby. In the past six months, your body has done incredible things. It has grown and shifted to make room for a new life. It has, of it's own accord, built from a small collection of cells an entire living being. It has grown your baby. The matter of bringing this baby out into this world seems small, though significant, in comparison. There is no doubt that your body, that has already come this far, can do this. Will do this.<br />
<br />
And the strength. Think of how far you have come. Of how long you have fought to be here. You picked yourself up from a world of pain and fear and built yourself a life of love and joy. A life you are so happy with that you are willing, no excited, to bring a baby into it. This experience of pain is also one that will end. And when it does you will be given the greatest gift of your life. Your baby to love. All hardship, all pain that you have endured in your life so far has passed and left behind only blessings. The love, compassion, kindness and gratitude you are able to experience now are the shadows of those hardships and that pain. They are what you have been left with. The pain of birth is like that. It ends. And when it does it leaves you with a baby to love. <br />
<br />
Remember all that waiting? All that longing? That ache you felt in your womb when you thought of your baby to come? It is all over. All that needs to happen now is the journey your baby is making through your body and out into this world. Imagine those small fingers, that sweet smelling skin, the way it feels to hold a baby against your chest. And imagine that magnified by the fact that this one, this little baby, is yours. It is here in this world through the love of you and the one other person you love most in the world. It is yours to hold and to protect and to love. This baby is here to take away that longing, to relieve that ache. Let it come, Ryvr. Let your body and your baby do the work of bringing your new child into this world.<br />
<br />
Ryvr, remember those words you said years ago? "I am here, I am strong enough, and all we hear are echoes of the storm." That is still true.<br />
<br />
You are strong enough, Ryvr.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11873204172592039019noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7476720190298415084.post-55809680415187906512014-01-29T00:55:00.000-08:002014-01-29T00:55:43.748-08:00Strong Enough Dear Sesame Seed,<br />
<br />
I guess we are back for another of our middle of the night writing sessions. As you grow bigger, it becomes harder for me to adjust and find comfortable positions for my body. It is miraculous and incredible to watch you grow, to feel you move, and to know the pains and discomfort I feel a lot of the time are my Baby becoming a little, fully functioning, person. I am awed by you.<br />
<br />
The dream I just woke from was a dream of your birth. In my dream, the birth was so easy. It happened at home, your Daddy was there and two doctors were assisting. There was some kind of odd tension between the two doctors, and I spent most of the time avoiding doing what they said. They weren't that present anyway. When it came time to birth you, I seemed to know exactly what to do. With Daddy supporting me from behind, I squatted down, and I smoothly and painlessly pushed you out into the world. In the dream, my eyes were closed an I concentrated only on pushing. I knew and trusted that Daddy was right there to catch you. I opened my eyes for a moment to see your head crown, then I closed them again and just felt with my body what needed to be done. I knew, rather than saw, that as long as I birthed you, Daddy would be there to catch your body. It was an amazing feeling of trust, in my own body and in Daddy's support of both me and you. I woke up soon after.<br />
<br />
The thing is, I have hardly been thinking about your birth itself at all. It seems odd to me, but I just can't focus my thoughts on it. Part of me worried that I had some kind of deep fear of it - fear of pain or loss of control - and I was avoiding thinking about it. Another part of me thought I must just realize how impractical it is to obsess over something I could never truly predict - I couldn't know how birth would feel for me regardless of how much I thought about it, so why bother.<br />
<br />
Now, after that dream, and knowing how revealing my dreams sometimes are, I wonder if I just feel at peace with birth. I have never wanted anything more than to bring you into my life, our lives. Maybe, somewhere inside me, I know I can do anything to bring you here. Maybe, finally, after all this time trying, I believe I am strong enough. Strong enough to carry my Baby, strong enough to birth my Baby, and maybe even strong enough to be the Mama my Baby needs.<br />
<br />
Thank you, my dear little one, for helping me to believe.<br />
<br />
I already love you, little one,<br />
<br />
Your Mama<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11873204172592039019noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7476720190298415084.post-85313689015510644782014-01-24T07:13:00.000-08:002014-01-24T07:13:45.648-08:00PatienceDear Sesame Seed,<br />
<br />
Oh, I can't wait to hold you and play with you! You have been so cute recently. I think you respond to touch on my belly, when I hold my hand there for long enough you start to kick. And you always make me laugh. I invented a new word - kickleing - for when you tickle me with your kicks. When we are sitting on the couch, cuddling or just hanging out, sometimes Daddy will turn to me and say that he can't wait till all three of us can cuddle on the couch. He'll pick up his arms to his chest, as if he is holding you there, and smile at the thought. We are just so excited for you to join our family.<br />
<br />
Your new cousin was born two days ago. We will probably go meet her next week. I hope you two become fast friends. In a couple weeks our dear friends from Canada are going to spend a few days here. We are going to be hanging out with Baby A all day while her Mama attends a conference. I am so excited for the two of you to play together! Her Mama and I have been talking about raising our kids together for as long as we've known each other and, although we are many miles apart, I still hope we can do that.<br />
<br />
Oh Baby, there is so much I want to show you and share with you! I know you have more growing to do, and I want you to take your time, but when you are ready we will have so many wonderful adventures! I can't wait to show you the beach and the forest, take you for hikes and teach you to garden. I can't wait to introduce you to the people we love and to read you our favorite books. I can't wait to sing to you and listen to music together, I can't wait to show you the joys of playing in the mud.<br />
<br />
Many people have asked me recently what I want to be doing with my life, what I want to accomplish, what my ambitions are. Sesame Seed, I want nothing more than to be your Mama. I want to love you and care for you, teach you and learn from you. I want to be there for you every time you need me. I want to be there to see every new discovery you make. When you are old enough, and you are wanting freedom and independence, I am sure I will find other adventures for myself so that I can give you space, but until then, my Baby Love, I just want to be your Mama. That is the greatest honor I could ever wish for.<br />
<br />
I already love you, little one,<br />
<br />
Your MamaAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11873204172592039019noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7476720190298415084.post-46926835025210511182014-01-15T07:01:00.001-08:002014-03-02T10:45:00.397-08:00My Little AcrobatDear Sesame Seed,<br />
<br />
Wow, have you been active! You put your Mama to shame with how much activity you manage in that little gym you set up in my belly. I am so glad of it, too. I love feeling you kick and tumble, reminding me you are there. You have some kind of rhythm, most days you wake up soon after Daddy and I do, around 7:30 and start kicking up a storm. These are usually your strongest kicks of the day, which is great because then the three of us can lie in bed a little extra and Daddy can feel you too. Sometimes, we can even see you moving around in there - it's weird! The rest of the day, I can feel you periodically. I'll be in the middle of a conversation and then, there you are, kicking and tumbling. Actually, you are moving around right now. As I type this I can feel your little body against my left side. It is so deliciously you.<br />
<br />
The other day, I was in a waiting room, late for an appointment and running low on patience. Then, as I sat there being grumpy, you started to kick. Baby, it was impossible to stay grumpy after that! Feeling you inside me makes everything worth it. I had a really great appointment after that, and my day was so much better because I knew you were there with me.<br />
<br />
I already love you, little one,<br />
<br />
Your MamaAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11873204172592039019noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7476720190298415084.post-8866068558362503642014-01-09T10:08:00.000-08:002014-01-09T10:09:32.015-08:00Yucky DayDear Sesame Seed,<br />
<br />
Today began with so much excitement and promise. We had a midwife appointment this morning, and we were excited to do an ultrasound and see you again. As an added bonus, we were going to find out your gender! So much excitement that we hardly minded waking up early in the frigid weather (they are calling this a Polar Vortex).<br />
<br />
Well, the day kinda went sour soon after we set out. At the appointment we found out some good things; I have gained a healthy chunk of weight, you seem to be the perfect size, and you are in fact sitting right on my bladder - an explanation for why I pee every five minutes. However, we also found out that our midwives don't do ultrasounds, so we wouldn't see you today. And, for some reason, we seemed to get off to an odd start with this particular midwife (there are four in the practice) and we argued over miss communications for the first 15 minutes of the appointment. It took me crying for her to realize how she was affecting us and then she kind of softened up, but it made me feel extremely vulnerable and confused Daddy too. She mentioned the idea that maybe we shouldn't be doing a home birth, which is not what I want to hear. I want to bring you into the world in the safest most comfortable way we can and to me that is at home. I want our midwives to be as committed to that as I am.<br />
<br />
On the way home, Daddy was upset too, because he said it seemed like I was undermining the midwife's advice. I guess I can get stubborn when I think I am not being listened to. The whole situation just felt unnecessarily hostile, and I was overwhelmed, disappointed and just plain exhausted after it all. I am sure things will get better in future visits, I am sure this was just a fluke. I certainly hope so, at least.<br />
<br />
I already love you, little one,<br />
<br />
Your MamaAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11873204172592039019noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7476720190298415084.post-39776354255738785722014-01-04T01:52:00.000-08:002014-02-15T14:45:20.022-08:00Mama's GirlDear Sesame Seed,<br />
<br />
It seems we are awake at some un-godly hour again. It happens, and I'm sure it will happen a lot more once you are here to make your voice heard. Well, at least we have each other for company.<br />
<br />
There has been something on my mind, on and off for a while, but even more so the past few weeks. I avoided it for most of that time, but when I finally had the courage to stare it in the eye and examine it, I think I discovered what was bothering me. I think I am up at this hour wanting to process it all in writing, so here goes.<br />
<br />
Sesame Seed, to begin with, I want to say that I know with absolute certainty that I will love you from the day you are born and every single day after that. I already do love you so much. When I thought about raising a child recently, however, I was struck with a very particular fear - the fear that you might be a girl. It seemed ridiculous to me. I know I will love you regardless of gender, and I know that my ideas of gender are fluid. I know I will raise you with the same values and ideas about your own strength and abilities regardless of your gender. I know that I believe that gender expressions can look totally different and that I believe all kinds of gender expression are ok. So why on earth would I not only care, but be frightened by the idea of you being born a girl?<br />
<br />
I thought about any of the fears that might be associated with you being a girl. Protecting you from sexism and violence against women, allowing you to believe in your power and strength, the various things that I think mothers of girls are challenged with. But none of that was it. If anything, I think I am more equipped to help you through that because of my own attitudes towards all that.<br />
<br />
I talked to some people about my fear, and the way I explained it was this simplified version where I said things like - I don't do makeup and girl drama - but it felt really false to say those things. Those are neither important to me nor are they important to being a good Mama.<br />
<br />
And, besides, what I realized quite suddenly, is that I DO do those things. And that's when I realized how right your Daddy was (as usual). He had told me that there was no way my fear had to do with you - the baby I have dreamed of and wished for my whole life, the baby I will love wholly and completely, the baby I am already so protective of. My fears started and ended with me. Having you was just a trigger to deal with those fears now. And those fears are...drumroll please....I am not a good enough woman to raise a girl.<br />
<br />
Ridiculous, right? There is no such thing as a "good enough" woman. I am who I am, and that's just right for me. However, it became clear to me that what other people have told me or implied to me about the kind of woman I am has actually made me fear my ability to be the best Mama for you. Why? I have been creating a picture of my own gender expression, putting myself into a box, in order to fight the disapproval of people who don't like the woman that I am. But boxes are not fluid, and I am. My boxes included things like not getting dressed up and feeling pretty, not watching light "girly" movies, not being a stereotypical woman in the way that our current culture defines it just because I was made to believe that if I tried to do that I would fail. And I led myself to believe that I did this because of a gender fluidity.<br />
<br />
And I am gender fluid. But not because I <i>can't</i> do girly stuff, but because I sometimes choose not to. And actually, although it doesn't make me a better or worse woman, I do like to dress up and look pretty. I sometimes drive your Daddy a little crazy trying on too many outfits before we go out somewhere. And I do understand sensitive emotions - of girls or boys - and I can listen well and be gentle and loving with my responses. And I think I have a knack for color combinations. And I am a really good cook. And I am a gentle, nurturing care giver. Not that a boy or man couldn't be those things, but what's important to me is that I actually can do the stereotypically female things just fine. I have just been made to believe I couldn't.<br />
<br />
And I am done with that. You, my Baby Love, need more than that. You need a Mama who believes in herself and her ability to raise you and care for you no matter what. You need a Mama who is undaunted by the judgments of others. You need a Mama who believes in her own strength.<br />
<br />
Whether you are a boy, a girl, or something in between, I will be your ever-loving Mama. And together, we will take on the world, with all of its craziness and beauty.<br />
<br />
I already love you, little one,<br />
<br />
Your MamaAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11873204172592039019noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7476720190298415084.post-82038728429882438102013-12-24T14:07:00.001-08:002013-12-24T14:07:25.709-08:00Slowing it DownDear Sesame Seed,<br />
<br />
I am not supposed to be home right now, relaxing in my favorite green chair, sipping a drink and writing this letter to you. I am supposed to be with my sisters, celebrating your Aunt D's birthday. I know I am probably offending several people right now. Actually, I am quite sure I had already offended them earlier today, by not explaining why I wasn't going to the party. But I am done being worried about all that.<br />
<br />
Baby, you are the most important thing in my world. The last few weeks, I have been running between family functions and events. They have been fun, and I do enjoy being nearer to our family, but they have also been exhausting and draining. Being with family is not usually all positive. It's intense, with miss-communications and misunderstandings, hurt feelings and triggered emotions. I love our family, but right now, I need a break.<br />
<br />
With you in my belly, I need to concentrate even more on my health. Being stable, being able to eat well, sleep well, even exercise sometimes, will affect your growth. It will affect how healthy we both are when you enter this world. And, Baby, whether it offends people or not, I need to but that first on my list.<br />
<br />
You are, now and forever, the first on my list.<br />
<br />
I already love you, little one,<br />
<br />
Your MamaAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11873204172592039019noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7476720190298415084.post-78174148035788357942013-12-20T06:40:00.001-08:002013-12-20T06:41:29.899-08:00Planes and TractorsDear Sesame Seed,<br />
<br />
Your Aunt S is home!!! I am so deliriously happy to have her near. I think when she is gone, I feel like I am missing a limb. Last night your Uncle M and I picked her up from the airport and she cried when she saw us. Of course, she wanted to check my belly and get a glimpse of you! Baby, your Aunt S was the very first person to know about you after Daddy and I. Actually, she knew about you when we were just hoping for you! She has been so far away, halfway across the world, and I've missed her terribly. She is only home for a short visit now, but I am sure when you are born she will be around to give you all her love.<br />
<br />
Baby, you must be on a humongous growth spurt right now. What else would explain the fourteen meals I eat a day? I feel like I am hungry the minute I put my fork down on an empty plate. Good job, Baby dear, good job growing. You are far from sesame-seed-sized at this point.<br />
<br />
I have started working on some projects for you. I want to make the first blanket we receive you in. So far I have one all pinned up, but our sewing machine has a mind all its own and doesn't seem to want me to get my project done. Oh well, I will find another solution somehow. I am also working on a mobile for you to look at when you are lying down. It is needle felted, and I am making little farm animals. So far there is a sheep and a chicken. They are quite cute, if I may say so myself.<br />
<br />
Oh Baby, how I love you! I worry about you, but I know you must be safe and warm inside my belly.<br />
<br />
I already love you, little one,<br />
<br />
Your MamaAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11873204172592039019noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7476720190298415084.post-46739281168502147432013-12-17T11:21:00.000-08:002013-12-18T16:17:58.726-08:00Lullabies and Diamond RingsDear Sesame Seed,<br />
<br />
Last night I put Daddy to sleep by singing him lullabies and giving him head rubs. I think we were both imagining how sweet it will be when we can do that for you. I started to sing the "Hush Little Baby" lullaby, but then I realized I didn't like the lyrics at all. So I wrote some new ones just for you:<br />
<br />
" Hush little baby, don't say a word<br />
Mama's not gonna buy you anything<br />
You don't need things that you get with money<br />
All that you need is in your<br />
Heart and Brain and Tummy "<br />
<br />
Daddy and I have been talking about that concept a lot. A lot of people's reactions to having a baby seems to be to buy lots of stuff. Now, don't get me wrong, I always want you to have everything you need, and a lot of the things you want. However, what is a "need" seems to be really different for different people. Here are some things I do believe that you will need in your life, and that I am committed to making sure that you have:<br />
<br />
- food, healthful and enough of it, and of appealing taste as often as possible<br />
- water, clean and fresh and enough<br />
- shelter from elements that could harm you, including proper clothing to be warm, dry and comfortable<br />
- education, creative outlets, and the space and resources from which to acquire the knowledge you seek<br />
- a sense of security that your physical and emotional health will be maintained to the best of our abilities, that you will have an element of autonomy over your body and life as well as a stable and balanced structure that you can depend on<br />
- love, not dependent on anything, given without expectations, unlimited.<br />
<br />
What I want you to have is not limited to these things. And, I want you to be able to ask for and receive things that are simply "wants" and not "needs" at all. I want you to understand that having things just for the fun and enjoyment of them is okay. That you deserve to be happy and enjoy things. However, I want you to understand the difference between these two, and I want you to feel gratitude for what you have.<br />
<br />
I hope that we, as a team, are successful in this.<br />
<br />
I already love you, little one,<br />
<br />
Your Mama<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11873204172592039019noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7476720190298415084.post-73029187160861685612013-12-06T09:18:00.000-08:002013-12-06T09:18:45.857-08:00Another MJ Fan !?!Dear Sesame Seed,<br />
<br />
Last week, we went to see your Aunt D's new house. In her basement, she has a home theater. The sound system is awesome, and we watched 'This Is It' to test it all out. 'This Is It' happens to be one of my absolute favorite movies - I call it my "Comfort Movie" because it always makes me happy when I watch it. I love Michael Jackson's music, and I love watching him be himself. There are moments that are so beautiful I cry.<br />
<br />
Well, we were listening to the song "Black or White," which he performs with an awesome, bad-ass bassist, when I felt a fluttering in my belly. It was different than anything I had felt before. Could it be? Was I feeling you moving around in my belly?<br />
<br />
I think so.<br />
<br />
It felt like someone giving me a butterfly kiss inside my belly. It felt like love. It felt like the most incredible moment of my life.<br />
<br />
Since then, I have felt you move around twice. Usually when everything is super calm and quiet. The thing is, there was nothing calm or quiet about that moment. It was loud, exciting, intense. There is only one explanation then. You, my little Sesame Seed, are another MJ fan.<br />
<br />
And I can't wait to listen to MJ and dance like a freak with you!<br />
<br />
I already love you, little one,<br />
<br />
Your MamaAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11873204172592039019noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7476720190298415084.post-35366610289127158962013-12-05T08:50:00.000-08:002013-12-05T08:51:12.171-08:00call me Mamathey said when a seed implants inside you<br />
you will suddenly see the endless ways<br />
her soil nourished fragile you<br />
<br />
but i don't<br />
<br />
i weep for the little seed that was my Self<br />
the little seed that knew before knowing came<br />
that it would never have enough<br />
enough holding<br />
enough wanting<br />
enough loving<br />
enough<br />
<br />
it would never be enough<br />
<br />
i feel the little seed inside me move<br />
and i am moved by a power so strong<br />
Love is a meaningless word,<br />
lighter than mist before the dawn<br />
smaller than brassica seeds<br />
finer than the sand between my toes<br />
Love, is a meaningless word<br />
<br />
i weep for the little seed that was my Self<br />
that came without strings, without bounds<br />
without labels, lines or scripts<br />
that was told before it could speak<br />
you can not<br />
you will not<br />
you shall not<br />
<br />
you will never be able to<br />
<br />
i feel the seed inside me move<br />
and i am moved by a power so strong<br />
i could lift mountains,<br />
i could sail through typhoons<br />
i could run the length and breadth of the earth and back again<br />
if i could only tell my little seed<br />
<br />
but Love is a meaningless word<br />
<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11873204172592039019noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7476720190298415084.post-15165875465804630062013-12-03T08:04:00.002-08:002013-12-03T08:05:25.612-08:00Heart SoreDear Sesame Seed,<br />
<br />
Mama is tired. Why? Who knows...moving, holidays, worrying...whatever it is, all your Mama wants to do is sleep. Maybe that's what you need, I hope so.<br />
<br />
We are in our new home. We have only one framed photo up so far, of your sonogram. It's cute, you look like a little peanut. We are making it feel like a home slowly, unpacking boxes and setting it up. I think it will feel a little empty until you arrive.<br />
<br />
I think one reason I am so tired is that I have been feeling heartbroken since spending time with one of your little cousins. I wanted to take him home with me and give him all the love I have, save him. I know that having you, that trying to be the best Mama for you, the best partner for your Daddy, is my way of trying to fix things. Of trying to break the chains of hurt and lost love that exist both in my past and in so much of this world. I know this is all too heavy for you to hear, my sweet Baby, but this is part of who I will be as your Mama. Someone who has been hurt and who is trying to combat brokenness with love. I know that I can't fix the whole world. I know that trying to fix everything spreads one person too thin and means you never get to really help anything at all. I am trying to focus inward - to be healthy for you, for Daddy, for the people I can help. But my heart hurts for that little boy.<br />
<br />
I already love you, little one,<br />
<br />
Your MamaAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11873204172592039019noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7476720190298415084.post-32612882605898537902013-11-20T06:03:00.001-08:002013-11-22T07:04:47.269-08:00Homeward BoundDear Sesame Seed,<br />
<br />
It has been way too long since I have written you a letter. Don't worry though, I have been talking to you, singing to you, dancing with you at every moment. So much has happened, we have been quite busy. To begin with, we have started announcing your presence to the whole world - I mean everyone I lay eyes on has to know how excited I am about you. It might be partially due to how tiny I am, so they wouldn't know if I didn't announce it. But mostly, it's because your Daddy and I are just exploding with excitement about your presence in our lives. <br />
<br />
Sesame Seed, there is other exciting news. We have found the house that will be your first home. We hope you are as happy with it as we are. Though the house itself is sweet, we are even more pleased with the location. We will be living in close proximity to both sets of your grandparents, close to almost all of your cousins, aunts and uncles, and close to lots of our friends. As we talk about values we want to share with you, it is clear that a connection to family is so important to us. We want you to know your grandparents, they are all such wonderful people who you can learn a lot from. We want you to feel the support of your aunts and uncles, they have been our greatest supports in our lives and we want you to be able to feel their embrace as well. And, most of all, we want you to have the gift of friendship your cousins can offer you. We hope this home can be the start of creating all these connections for you.<br />
<br />
I already love you, little one,<br />
<br />
Your Mama <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11873204172592039019noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7476720190298415084.post-24649948403026840702013-11-01T08:06:00.001-07:002013-11-22T07:04:25.781-08:00Tea With the QueenDear Sesame Seed,<br />
<br />
Oh, my sweet Baby! How can I describe how much your Mama loves you? Sweet, tiny little you. You gave us the biggest scare yesterday, but also a sweet surprise. <br />
<br />
When I started to feel a strange kind of pain yesterday, I was so scared that you weren't ok. I knew that I loved you before, but Baby, I could never have imagined how much it would shock and hurt me to think you might be in danger. After a series of attempts to just be calm and zen through the pain, we went to see a doctor about it, in the hospital. Your Daddy was such a champ about it. Supporting me, staying up till all hours of the night waiting for an answer.<br />
<br />
When the doctor told us we were going to need an ultrasound we were scared, but also excited. It would mean we'd get to see you! And Sesame Seed, it was such a gift. With Daddy holding my hand the whole time, we watched you appear on the screen. Baby, there are no words for how wonderful it was to see you, to know that you are ok. I don't think you liked the scrutiny much. You wiggled and danced (Daddy says you dance like me, when I am rocking out in the kitchen) and squirmed. You crossed your legs, like you were having tea with the queen, and you brought your hands to your face, maybe to suck your thumb? And you were just so perfect.<br />
<br />
After that, Daddy was just brimming with excitement and joy. All the stress was a bit too much for me, but he was in awe of you. All the way home, he talked about how amazing it had been to see you for the first time. <br />
<br />
Baby, you are the greatest gift to your Mama and Daddy. We love you so much. Please, please, continue to be healthy and strong for us. And we will be healthy and strong and loving for you.<br />
<br />
I already love you, little one,<br />
<br />
Your MamaAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11873204172592039019noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7476720190298415084.post-46475104232333755092013-10-28T16:11:00.000-07:002013-11-22T07:04:06.311-08:00Let Your Heart BeatDear Sesame Seed,<br />
<br />
I am awestruck by what we experienced today. Today your Daddy and I heard your heart beating for the very first time. It was so incredibly beautiful, joyful and just...alive. You, my dear Baby, are there, inside of me. I laughed and giggled and cried at the sound of you.<br />
<br />
My dear Baby, how can I say all that I am feeling right now? The last week has been a rollercoaster of emotion for me. I have been sad and scared and I've worried and doubted. Baby, I want to be the best Mama I can for you, but I know how big this world is and how little I can control. Today, though, I heard your heart. Your healthy, beating heart. And that was my answer. Love, is the answer.<br />
<br />
Sesame Seed, I am going to try to remember this: all we need is love. When I am scared, when I am doubting. When I am worried that I will not be enough for you, I will try my hardest to remember. All we need, all you need, is love. And I have that, and you have that. We have love. All the rest of it, we will figure out. Your Daddy and I, we have hit many a rock and a hard place and love has always gotten us through. And the same will be for you.<br />
<br />
We love you, dear Baby. We will always love you. And that strong, beating heart you have, together with the hearts of your loving Mama and Daddy, will get you through anything.<br />
<br />
I already love you, little one,<br />
<br />
Your MamaAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11873204172592039019noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7476720190298415084.post-6812356017572142712013-10-21T05:51:00.000-07:002013-11-22T07:03:37.116-08:00Introducing....the Grandparents!Dear Sesame Seed,<br />
<br />
This past week has been an eventful one for your larger family. We decided it was time to tell them about you! The most exciting thing was telling your grandparents, Daddy's Mom and Dad. You are going to be their very first grandchild, and Baby, they were so surprised! Of course, they are also so excited.<br />
<br />
Sesame Seed, I want to tell you a bit about your grandparents, because I am excited for you to meet them too. Your Grandma, Daddy's Mom, is such a wonderful person. She is full of compassion for others and has worked her whole life to support others who need help and advocacy. She taught students with special needs, she helps women in tough situations, and she is constantly reaching out her hand to others. She is always patient and forgiving. She is also full of adventure and I have yet to see something that scares or daunts her. She loves to travel and will try almost anything she is curious about. When asked to do something that she is not proficient at, she sets her mind to the goal and always gives it her full and dedicated efforts. I look forward to you meeting your Grandma and learning about compassion, fearlessness and spunk.<br />
<br />
Your Grandpa, Daddy's Dad, is thrilled that you are joining the family. He loves children and is always ready to play and be silly when there are kids around. Recently, he started learning acting and it is amazing to see someone pick up a new hobby after years of watching from the audience. Speaking of, your Grandpa loves plays and movies, and I am sure he is already compiling a list of all the things he wants to show you. He loves to share the things he finds funny and interesting with others. Your Grandpa has a strong sense of loyalty to his family, and is always encouraging his children to stay in touch with each other and their cousins. I look forward to you meeting your Grandpa and sharing jokes, games and good times with him.<br />
<br />
Maybe by the next time I write to you, I will have told your other set of grandparents, my parents. There is so much to tell you about them, but that will wait. Right now, my sweet Baby, I am so glad to be holding you close inside my body. Although I am excited to have you meet the rest of your family and our friends, I am glad for this time that is just ours. I feel so lucky to be the one to hold you in this way. <br />
<br />
I already love you, little one,<br />
<br />
Your MamaAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11873204172592039019noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7476720190298415084.post-6209383554766338162013-10-14T06:43:00.000-07:002013-11-22T07:03:08.321-08:00Baby BumpDear Sesame Seed,<br />
<br />
I think I can detect a slight bump in my belly, where you are making room for yourself in my body. Baby, I am so excited to have a bit of physical proof that you are really there.<br />
<br />
Yesterday, our dear friends T and N surprised us with a quick visit. Baby, I am so excited for you to meet T and for him to meet you! T is almost six years old, and he has been special to your Mama since he was just the tiniest baby. Your Daddy and T also have a special bond. I realized when looking at T, when watching him jump on Daddy's lap, or snuggle up with me for a story, how much our hearts are full with our love for him. He has wiggled around in our hearts so much that I think he made them twice their original size. And here's where I realized how true it is, that we have this limitless ability to love - it never runs out, our hearts just grow bigger to accommodate it. <br />
<br />
I wonder if my real baby bump is not so much in my belly, but in my heart, where you are already wiggling around and making some space for yourself. You are teaching your Mama to open up a bit more, and make room in my heart for you.<br />
<br />
I already love you, little one,<br />
<br />
Your MamaAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11873204172592039019noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7476720190298415084.post-47077790946146311262013-10-10T10:14:00.002-07:002013-11-22T07:02:46.837-08:00A Few Of My Favorite ThingsDear Sesame Seed,<br />
<br />
Since the last time I wrote to you, I spoke to a wise woman who helped me remember about a lot of the things that I love. We wrote a list together, and it was quite fun. I wanted to share some of it with you, and maybe add a few things. Baby, here are a few of my favorite things:<br />
<br />
Flowers - I love to walk through a meadow and notice how many colors and shapes of flowers there are. There was this day this summer when Daddy and I went on a mission to collect an abundance of flowers. We drove through town stopping at the side of the road whenever we saw wild flowers growing and collected a few of each kind. When we got home, I took out all the vases in the house and made a bouquet for each room in our house. Also, flowers smell great.<br />
<br />
Wild Raspberries - There is something so absolutely precious about coming upon a patch of wild raspberries while hiking through the woods. I can't wait to share the sweet sensation of biting into a sun-ripened raspberry with you. <br />
<br />
Music - Baby, this is something so vastly beautiful I don't think I can describe it in words. Music is just a true gift of the universe. The thing about music is it comes in every flavor. There are sad songs and happy songs, angry songs and sleepy songs, songs with words and songs without. You, my Baby, will find music that you love and connect to, I am sure of it. My absolute favorite music comes from the mouths and hands of friends, especially around a campfire.<br />
<br />
Gratitude - This is one of the most valuable things I have ever discovered. Gratitude, I believe, is the key to feeling joyful and content. It is the ability to know all that we have and be present with the gift of all of it. Right now, on this cold day, I am grateful for warm knit hats, warm water that comes straight from my faucet and cozy blankets.<br />
<br />
Sesame Seed, I am going to try to continue to tell you about all the beautiful things that are in this world you are going to be welcomed into. And I am going to try to remember them too, for myself.<br />
<br />
I already love you, little one,<br />
<br />
Your Mama<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11873204172592039019noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7476720190298415084.post-18847141339893786572013-10-10T05:41:00.000-07:002013-11-22T07:02:17.947-08:00Cloudy DayDear Sesame Seed,<br />
<br />
It is hard for me to write today. Your Mama is feeling gloomy, like the cloudy, foggy sky outside. But I am going to try to write, anyway, so that I can help us both understand a little bit about what it means when I feel this way.<br />
<br />
The other day, I had a looong conversation with a dear friend. She is going through a slump, feeling gloomy, and not understanding how to teach her students about being joyful and embracing their true selves when she herself does not feel joyful. I told her about my thoughts about being a Mama who feels all kinds of things, and how that could be a hard thing for you to see, but also a good thing. My dear Baby, I apologize in advance for what you are going to see when you come into this world. It will be mostly beautiful, but also sometimes painful. As your Mama, and as a human who feels things very deeply, I hope I can show you one way to live in this confusing world.<br />
<br />
Sesame Seed, when I talked to my friend K, we promised each other that we would be pioneers of a new way of being. That, instead of hiding the strong feelings we have, we would embrace them and share them, so that others could see that it's ok to feel. You, my Baby, are going to have all kinds of feelings. I don't know which ones yet, you will have your own personality with your own set of dominant feelings. But I hope, by showing you the ones that I experience, I can help you learn that all feelings are ok, and that there are ways to get through even the toughest ones.<br />
<br />
I already love you, little one,<br />
<br />
Your Mama <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11873204172592039019noreply@blogger.com0