Strong Enough

Dear Sesame Seed,

I guess we are back for another of our middle of the night writing sessions. As you grow bigger, it becomes harder for me to adjust and find comfortable positions for my body. It is miraculous and incredible to watch you grow, to feel you move, and to know the pains and discomfort I feel a lot of the time are my Baby becoming a little, fully functioning, person. I am awed by you.

The dream I just woke from was a dream of your birth. In my dream, the birth was so easy. It happened at home, your Daddy was there and two doctors were assisting. There was some kind of odd tension between the two doctors, and I spent most of the time avoiding doing what they said. They weren't that present anyway. When it came time to birth you, I seemed to know exactly what to do. With Daddy supporting me from behind, I squatted down, and I smoothly and painlessly pushed you out into the world. In the dream, my eyes were closed an I concentrated only on pushing. I knew and trusted that Daddy was right there to catch you. I opened my eyes for a moment to see your head crown, then I closed them again and just felt with my body what needed to be done. I knew, rather than saw, that as long as I birthed you, Daddy would be there to catch your body. It was an amazing feeling of trust, in my own body and in Daddy's support of both me and you. I woke up soon after.

The thing is, I have hardly been thinking about your birth itself at all. It seems odd to me, but I just can't focus my thoughts on it. Part of me worried that I had some kind of deep fear of it - fear of pain or loss of control - and I was avoiding thinking about it. Another part of me thought I must just realize how impractical it is to obsess over something I could never truly predict - I couldn't know how birth would feel for me regardless of how much I thought about it, so why bother.

Now, after that dream, and knowing how revealing my dreams sometimes are, I wonder if I just feel at peace with birth. I have never wanted anything more than to bring you into my life, our lives. Maybe, somewhere inside me, I know I can do anything to bring you here. Maybe, finally, after all this time trying, I believe I am strong enough. Strong enough to carry my Baby, strong enough to birth my Baby, and maybe even strong enough to be the Mama my Baby needs.

Thank you, my dear little one, for helping me to believe.

I already love you, little one,

Your Mama

Patience

Dear Sesame Seed,

Oh, I can't wait to hold you and play with you! You have been so cute recently. I think you respond to touch on my belly, when I hold my hand there for long enough you start to kick. And you always make me laugh. I invented a new word - kickleing - for when you tickle me with your kicks. When we are sitting on the couch, cuddling or just hanging out, sometimes Daddy will turn to me and say that he can't wait till all three of us can cuddle on the couch. He'll pick up his arms to his chest, as if he is holding you there, and smile at the thought. We are just so excited for you to join our family.

Your new cousin was born two days ago. We will probably go meet her next week. I hope you two become fast friends. In a couple weeks our dear friends from Canada are going to spend a few days here. We are going to be hanging out with Baby A all day while her Mama attends a conference. I am so excited for the two of you to play together! Her Mama and I have been talking about raising our kids together for as long as we've known each other and, although we are many miles apart, I still hope we can do that.

Oh Baby, there is so much I want to show you and share with you! I know you have more growing to do, and I want you to take your time, but when you are ready we will have so many wonderful adventures! I can't wait to show you the beach and the forest, take you for hikes and teach you to garden. I can't wait to introduce you to the people we love and to read you our favorite books. I can't wait to sing to you and listen to music together, I can't wait to show you the joys of playing in the mud.

Many people have asked me recently what I want to be doing with my life, what I want to accomplish, what my ambitions are. Sesame Seed, I want nothing more than to be your Mama. I want to love you and care for you, teach you and learn from you. I want to be there for you every time you need me. I want to be there to see every new discovery you make. When you are old enough, and you are wanting freedom and independence, I am sure I will find other adventures for myself so that I can give you space, but until then, my Baby Love, I just want to be your Mama. That is the greatest honor I could ever wish for.

I already love you, little one,

Your Mama

My Little Acrobat

Dear Sesame Seed,

Wow, have you been active! You put your Mama to shame with how much activity you manage in that little gym you set up in my belly. I am so glad of it, too. I love feeling you kick and tumble, reminding me you are there. You have some kind of rhythm, most days you wake up soon after Daddy and I do, around 7:30 and start kicking up a storm. These are usually your strongest kicks of the day, which is great because then the three of us can lie in bed a little extra and Daddy can feel you too. Sometimes, we can even see you moving around in there - it's weird! The rest of the day, I can feel you periodically. I'll be in the middle of a conversation and then, there you are, kicking and tumbling. Actually, you are moving around right now. As I type this I can feel your little body against my left side. It is so deliciously you.

The other day, I was in a waiting room, late for an appointment and running low on patience. Then, as I sat there being grumpy, you started to kick. Baby, it was impossible to stay grumpy after that! Feeling you inside me makes everything worth it. I had a really great appointment after that, and my day was so much better because I knew you were there with me.

I already love you, little one,

Your Mama

Yucky Day

Dear Sesame Seed,

Today began with so much excitement and promise. We had a midwife appointment this morning, and we were excited to do an ultrasound and see you again. As an added bonus, we were going to find out your gender! So much excitement that we hardly minded waking up early in the frigid weather (they are calling this a Polar Vortex).

Well, the day kinda went sour soon after we set out. At the appointment we found out some good things; I have gained a healthy chunk of weight, you seem to be the perfect size, and you are in fact sitting right on my bladder - an explanation for why I pee every five minutes. However, we also found out that our midwives don't do ultrasounds, so we wouldn't see you today. And, for some reason, we seemed to get off to an odd start with this particular midwife (there are four in the practice) and we argued over miss communications for the first 15 minutes of the appointment. It took me crying for her to realize how she was affecting us and then she kind of softened up, but it made me feel extremely vulnerable and confused Daddy too. She mentioned the idea that maybe we shouldn't be doing a home birth, which is not what I want to hear. I want to bring you into the world in the safest most comfortable way we can and to me that is at home. I want our midwives to be as committed to that as I am.

On the way home, Daddy was upset too, because he said it seemed like I was undermining the midwife's advice. I guess I can get stubborn when I think I am not being listened to. The whole situation just felt unnecessarily hostile, and I was overwhelmed, disappointed and just plain exhausted after it all. I am sure things will get better in future visits, I am sure this was just a fluke. I certainly hope so, at least.

I already love you, little one,

Your Mama

Mama's Girl

Dear Sesame Seed,

It seems we are awake at some un-godly hour again. It happens, and I'm sure it will happen a lot more once you are here to make your voice heard. Well, at least we have each other for company.

There has been something on my mind, on and off for a while, but even more so the past few weeks. I avoided it for most of that time, but when I finally had the courage to stare it in the eye and examine it, I think I discovered what was bothering me. I think I am up at this hour wanting to process it all in writing, so here goes.

Sesame Seed, to begin with, I want to say that I know with absolute certainty that I will love you from the day you are born and every single day after that. I already do love you so much. When I thought about raising a child recently, however, I was struck with a very particular fear - the fear that you might be a girl. It seemed ridiculous to me. I know I will love you regardless of gender, and I know that my ideas of gender are fluid. I know I will raise you with the same values and ideas about your own strength and abilities regardless of your gender. I know that I believe that gender expressions can look totally different and that I believe all kinds of gender expression are ok. So why on earth would I not only care, but be frightened by the idea of you being born a girl?

I thought about any of the fears that might be associated with you being a girl. Protecting you from sexism and violence against women, allowing you to believe in your power and strength, the various things that I think mothers of girls are challenged with. But none of that was it. If anything, I think I am more equipped to help you through that because of my own attitudes towards all that.

I talked to some people about my fear, and the way I explained it was this simplified version where I said things like - I don't do makeup and girl drama - but it felt really false to say those things. Those are neither important to me nor are they important to being a good Mama.

And, besides, what I realized quite suddenly, is that I DO do those things. And that's when I realized how right your Daddy was (as usual). He had told me that there was no way my fear had to do with you - the baby I have dreamed of and wished for my whole life, the baby I will love wholly and completely, the baby I am already so protective of. My fears started and ended with me. Having you was just a trigger to deal with those fears now. And those fears are...drumroll please....I am not a good enough woman to raise a girl.

Ridiculous, right? There is no such thing as a "good enough" woman. I am who I am, and that's just right for me. However, it became clear to me that what other people have told me or implied to me about the kind of woman I am has actually made me fear my ability to be the best Mama for you. Why? I have been creating a picture of my own gender expression, putting myself into a box, in order to fight the disapproval of people who don't like the woman that I am. But boxes are not fluid, and I am. My boxes included things like not getting dressed up and feeling pretty, not watching light "girly" movies, not being a stereotypical woman in the way that our current culture defines it just because I was made to believe that if I tried to do that I would fail. And I led myself to believe that I did this because of a gender fluidity.

And I am gender fluid. But not because I can't do girly stuff, but because I sometimes choose not to. And actually, although it doesn't make me a better or worse woman, I do like to dress up and look pretty. I sometimes drive your Daddy a little crazy trying on too many outfits before we go out somewhere. And I do understand sensitive emotions - of girls or boys - and I can listen well and be gentle and loving with my responses. And I think I have a knack for color combinations. And I am a really good cook. And I am a gentle, nurturing care giver. Not that a boy or man couldn't be those things, but what's important to me is that I actually can do the stereotypically female things just fine. I have just been made to believe I couldn't.

And I am done with that. You, my Baby Love, need more than that. You need a Mama who believes in herself and her ability to raise you and care for you no matter what. You need a Mama who is undaunted by the judgments of others. You need a Mama who believes in her own strength.

Whether you are a boy, a girl, or something in between, I will be your ever-loving Mama. And together, we will take on the world, with all of its craziness and beauty.

I already love you, little one,

Your Mama

Slowing it Down

Dear Sesame Seed,

I am not supposed to be home right now, relaxing in my favorite green chair, sipping a drink and writing this letter to you. I am supposed to be with my sisters, celebrating your Aunt D's birthday. I know I am probably offending several people right now. Actually, I am quite sure I had already offended them earlier today, by not explaining why I wasn't going to the party. But I am done being worried about all that.

Baby, you are the most important thing in my world. The last few weeks, I have been running between family functions and events. They have been fun, and I do enjoy being nearer to our family, but they have also been exhausting and draining. Being with family is not usually all positive. It's intense, with miss-communications and misunderstandings, hurt feelings and triggered emotions. I love our family, but right now, I need a break.

With you in my belly, I need to concentrate even more on my health. Being stable, being able to eat well, sleep well, even exercise sometimes, will affect your growth. It will affect how healthy we both are when you enter this world. And, Baby, whether it offends people or not, I need to but that first on my list.

You are, now and forever, the first on my list.

I already love you, little one,

Your Mama

Planes and Tractors

Dear Sesame Seed,

Your Aunt S is home!!! I am so deliriously happy to have her near. I think when she is gone, I feel like I am missing a limb. Last night your Uncle M and I picked her up from the airport and she cried when she saw us. Of course, she wanted to check my belly and get a glimpse of you! Baby, your Aunt S was the very first person to know about you after Daddy and I. Actually, she knew about you when we were just hoping for you! She has been so far away, halfway across the world, and I've missed her terribly. She is only home for a short visit now, but I am sure when you are born she will be around to give you all her love.

Baby, you must be on a humongous growth spurt right now. What else would explain the fourteen meals I eat a day? I feel like I am hungry the minute I put my fork down on an empty plate. Good job, Baby dear, good job growing. You are far from sesame-seed-sized at this point.

I have started working on some projects for you. I want to make the first blanket we receive you in. So far I have one all pinned up, but our sewing machine has a mind all its own and doesn't seem to want me to get my project done. Oh well, I will find another solution somehow. I am also working on a mobile for you to look at when you are lying down. It is needle felted, and I am making little farm animals. So far there is a sheep and a chicken. They are quite cute, if I may say so myself.

Oh Baby, how I love you! I worry about you, but I know you must be safe and warm inside my belly.

I already love you, little one,

Your Mama

Lullabies and Diamond Rings

Dear Sesame Seed,

Last night I put Daddy to sleep by singing him lullabies and giving him head rubs. I think we were both imagining how sweet it will be when we can do that for you.  I started to sing the "Hush Little Baby" lullaby, but then I realized I didn't like the lyrics at all. So I wrote some new ones just for you:

" Hush little baby, don't say a word
Mama's not gonna buy you anything
You don't need things that you get with money
All that you need is in your
Heart and Brain and Tummy "

Daddy and I have been talking about that concept a lot. A lot of people's reactions to having a baby seems to be to buy lots of stuff. Now, don't get me wrong, I always want you to have everything you need, and a lot of the things you want. However, what is a "need" seems to be really different for different people. Here are some things I do believe that you will need in your life, and that I am committed to making sure that you have:

- food, healthful and enough of it, and of appealing taste as often as possible
- water, clean and fresh and enough
- shelter from elements that could harm you, including proper clothing to be warm, dry and comfortable
- education, creative outlets, and the space and resources from which to acquire the knowledge you seek
- a sense of security that your physical and emotional health will be maintained to the best of our abilities, that you will have an element of autonomy over your body and life as well as a stable and balanced structure that you can depend on
- love, not dependent on anything, given without expectations, unlimited.

What I want you to have is not limited to these things. And, I want you to be able to ask for and receive things that are simply "wants" and not "needs" at all. I want you to understand that having things just for the fun and enjoyment of them is okay. That you deserve to be happy and enjoy things. However, I want you to understand the difference between these two, and I want you to feel gratitude for what you have.

I hope that we, as a team, are successful in this.

I already love you, little one,

Your Mama

Another MJ Fan !?!

Dear Sesame Seed,

Last week, we went to see your Aunt D's new house. In her basement, she has a home theater. The sound system is awesome, and we watched 'This Is It' to test it all out. 'This Is It' happens to be one of my absolute favorite movies - I call it my "Comfort Movie" because it always makes me happy when I watch it. I love Michael Jackson's music, and I love watching him be himself. There are moments that are so beautiful I cry.

Well, we were listening to the song "Black or White," which he performs with an awesome, bad-ass bassist, when I felt a fluttering in my belly. It was different than anything I had felt before. Could it be? Was I feeling you moving around in my belly?

I think so.

It felt like someone giving me a butterfly kiss inside my belly. It felt like love. It felt like the most incredible moment of my life.

Since then, I have felt you move around twice. Usually when everything is super calm and quiet. The thing is, there was nothing calm or quiet about that moment. It was loud, exciting, intense. There is only one explanation then. You, my little Sesame Seed, are another MJ fan.

And I can't wait to listen to MJ and dance like a freak with you!

I already love you, little one,

Your Mama

call me Mama

they said when a seed implants inside you
you will suddenly see the endless ways
her soil nourished fragile you

but i don't

i weep for the little seed that was my Self
the little seed that knew before knowing came
that it would never have enough
enough holding
enough wanting
enough loving
enough

it would never be enough

i feel the little seed inside me move
and i am moved by a power so strong
Love is a meaningless word,
lighter than mist before the dawn
smaller than brassica seeds
finer than the sand between my toes
Love, is a meaningless word

i weep for the little seed that was my Self
that came without strings, without bounds
without labels, lines or scripts
that was told before it could speak
you can not
you will not
you shall not

you will never be able to

i feel the seed inside me move
and i am moved by a power so strong
i could lift mountains,
i could sail through typhoons
i could run the length and breadth of the earth and back again
if i could only tell my little seed

but Love is a meaningless word