Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Slowing it Down

Dear Sesame Seed,

I am not supposed to be home right now, relaxing in my favorite green chair, sipping a drink and writing this letter to you. I am supposed to be with my sisters, celebrating your Aunt D's birthday. I know I am probably offending several people right now. Actually, I am quite sure I had already offended them earlier today, by not explaining why I wasn't going to the party. But I am done being worried about all that.

Baby, you are the most important thing in my world. The last few weeks, I have been running between family functions and events. They have been fun, and I do enjoy being nearer to our family, but they have also been exhausting and draining. Being with family is not usually all positive. It's intense, with miss-communications and misunderstandings, hurt feelings and triggered emotions. I love our family, but right now, I need a break.

With you in my belly, I need to concentrate even more on my health. Being stable, being able to eat well, sleep well, even exercise sometimes, will affect your growth. It will affect how healthy we both are when you enter this world. And, Baby, whether it offends people or not, I need to but that first on my list.

You are, now and forever, the first on my list.

I already love you, little one,

Your Mama

Friday, December 20, 2013

Planes and Tractors

Dear Sesame Seed,

Your Aunt S is home!!! I am so deliriously happy to have her near. I think when she is gone, I feel like I am missing a limb. Last night your Uncle M and I picked her up from the airport and she cried when she saw us. Of course, she wanted to check my belly and get a glimpse of you! Baby, your Aunt S was the very first person to know about you after Daddy and I. Actually, she knew about you when we were just hoping for you! She has been so far away, halfway across the world, and I've missed her terribly. She is only home for a short visit now, but I am sure when you are born she will be around to give you all her love.

Baby, you must be on a humongous growth spurt right now. What else would explain the fourteen meals I eat a day? I feel like I am hungry the minute I put my fork down on an empty plate. Good job, Baby dear, good job growing. You are far from sesame-seed-sized at this point.

I have started working on some projects for you. I want to make the first blanket we receive you in. So far I have one all pinned up, but our sewing machine has a mind all its own and doesn't seem to want me to get my project done. Oh well, I will find another solution somehow. I am also working on a mobile for you to look at when you are lying down. It is needle felted, and I am making little farm animals. So far there is a sheep and a chicken. They are quite cute, if I may say so myself.

Oh Baby, how I love you! I worry about you, but I know you must be safe and warm inside my belly.

I already love you, little one,

Your Mama

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Lullabies and Diamond Rings

Dear Sesame Seed,

Last night I put Daddy to sleep by singing him lullabies and giving him head rubs. I think we were both imagining how sweet it will be when we can do that for you.  I started to sing the "Hush Little Baby" lullaby, but then I realized I didn't like the lyrics at all. So I wrote some new ones just for you:

" Hush little baby, don't say a word
Mama's not gonna buy you anything
You don't need things that you get with money
All that you need is in your
Heart and Brain and Tummy "

Daddy and I have been talking about that concept a lot. A lot of people's reactions to having a baby seems to be to buy lots of stuff. Now, don't get me wrong, I always want you to have everything you need, and a lot of the things you want. However, what is a "need" seems to be really different for different people. Here are some things I do believe that you will need in your life, and that I am committed to making sure that you have:

- food, healthful and enough of it, and of appealing taste as often as possible
- water, clean and fresh and enough
- shelter from elements that could harm you, including proper clothing to be warm, dry and comfortable
- education, creative outlets, and the space and resources from which to acquire the knowledge you seek
- a sense of security that your physical and emotional health will be maintained to the best of our abilities, that you will have an element of autonomy over your body and life as well as a stable and balanced structure that you can depend on
- love, not dependent on anything, given without expectations, unlimited.

What I want you to have is not limited to these things. And, I want you to be able to ask for and receive things that are simply "wants" and not "needs" at all. I want you to understand that having things just for the fun and enjoyment of them is okay. That you deserve to be happy and enjoy things. However, I want you to understand the difference between these two, and I want you to feel gratitude for what you have.

I hope that we, as a team, are successful in this.

I already love you, little one,

Your Mama



Friday, December 6, 2013

Another MJ Fan !?!

Dear Sesame Seed,

Last week, we went to see your Aunt D's new house. In her basement, she has a home theater. The sound system is awesome, and we watched 'This Is It' to test it all out. 'This Is It' happens to be one of my absolute favorite movies - I call it my "Comfort Movie" because it always makes me happy when I watch it. I love Michael Jackson's music, and I love watching him be himself. There are moments that are so beautiful I cry.

Well, we were listening to the song "Black or White," which he performs with an awesome, bad-ass bassist, when I felt a fluttering in my belly. It was different than anything I had felt before. Could it be? Was I feeling you moving around in my belly?

I think so.

It felt like someone giving me a butterfly kiss inside my belly. It felt like love. It felt like the most incredible moment of my life.

Since then, I have felt you move around twice. Usually when everything is super calm and quiet. The thing is, there was nothing calm or quiet about that moment. It was loud, exciting, intense. There is only one explanation then. You, my little Sesame Seed, are another MJ fan.

And I can't wait to listen to MJ and dance like a freak with you!

I already love you, little one,

Your Mama

Thursday, December 5, 2013

call me Mama

they said when a seed implants inside you
you will suddenly see the endless ways
her soil nourished fragile you

but i don't

i weep for the little seed that was my Self
the little seed that knew before knowing came
that it would never have enough
enough holding
enough wanting
enough loving
enough

it would never be enough

i feel the little seed inside me move
and i am moved by a power so strong
Love is a meaningless word,
lighter than mist before the dawn
smaller than brassica seeds
finer than the sand between my toes
Love, is a meaningless word

i weep for the little seed that was my Self
that came without strings, without bounds
without labels, lines or scripts
that was told before it could speak
you can not
you will not
you shall not

you will never be able to

i feel the seed inside me move
and i am moved by a power so strong
i could lift mountains,
i could sail through typhoons
i could run the length and breadth of the earth and back again
if i could only tell my little seed

but Love is a meaningless word


Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Heart Sore

Dear Sesame Seed,

Mama is tired. Why? Who knows...moving, holidays, worrying...whatever it is, all your Mama wants to do is sleep. Maybe that's what you need, I hope so.

We are in our new home. We have only one framed photo up so far, of your sonogram. It's cute, you look like a little peanut. We are making it feel like a home slowly, unpacking boxes and setting it up. I think it will feel a little empty until you arrive.

I think one reason I am so tired is that I have been feeling heartbroken since spending time with one of your little cousins. I wanted to take him home with me and give him all the love I have, save him. I know that having you, that trying to be the best Mama for you, the best partner for your Daddy, is my way of trying to fix things. Of trying to break the chains of hurt and lost love that exist both in my past and in so much of this world. I know this is all too heavy for you to hear, my sweet Baby, but this is part of who I will be as your Mama. Someone who has been hurt and who is trying to combat brokenness with love. I know that I can't fix the whole world. I know that trying to fix everything spreads one person too thin and means you never get to really help anything at all. I am trying to focus inward - to be healthy for you, for Daddy, for the people I can help. But my heart hurts for that little boy.

I already love you, little one,

Your Mama

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Homeward Bound

Dear Sesame Seed,

It has been way too long since I have written you a letter. Don't worry though, I have been talking to you, singing to you, dancing with you at every moment. So much has happened, we have been quite busy. To begin with, we have started announcing your presence to the whole world - I mean everyone I lay eyes on has to know how excited I am about you. It might be partially due to how tiny I am, so they wouldn't know if I didn't announce it. But mostly, it's because your Daddy and I are just exploding with excitement about your presence in our lives.

Sesame Seed, there is other exciting news. We have found the house that will be your first home. We hope you are as happy with it as we are. Though the house itself is sweet, we are even more pleased with the location. We will be living in close proximity to both sets of your grandparents, close to almost all of your cousins, aunts and uncles, and close to lots of our friends. As we talk about values we want to share with you, it is clear that a connection to family is so important to us. We want you to know your grandparents, they are all such wonderful people who you can learn a lot from. We want you to feel the support of your aunts and uncles, they have been our greatest supports in our lives and we want you to be able to feel their embrace as well. And, most of all, we want you to have the gift of friendship your cousins can offer you. We hope this home can be the start of creating all these connections for you.

I already love you, little one,

Your Mama




Friday, November 1, 2013

Tea With the Queen

Dear Sesame Seed,

Oh, my sweet Baby! How can I describe how much your Mama loves you? Sweet, tiny little you. You gave us the biggest scare yesterday, but also a sweet surprise.

When I started to feel a strange kind of pain yesterday, I was so scared that you weren't ok. I knew that I loved you before, but Baby, I could never have imagined how much it would shock and hurt me to think you might be in danger. After a series of attempts to just be calm and zen through the pain, we went to see a doctor about it, in the hospital. Your Daddy was such a champ about it. Supporting me, staying up till all hours of the night waiting for an answer.

When the doctor told us we were going to need an ultrasound we were scared, but also excited. It would mean we'd get to see you! And Sesame Seed, it was such a gift. With Daddy holding my hand the whole time, we watched you appear on the screen. Baby, there are no words for how wonderful it was to see you, to know that you are ok. I don't think you liked the scrutiny much. You wiggled and danced (Daddy says you dance like me, when I am rocking out in the kitchen) and squirmed. You crossed your legs, like you were having tea with the queen, and you brought your hands to your face, maybe to suck your thumb? And you were just so perfect.

After that, Daddy was just brimming with excitement and joy. All the stress was a bit too much for me, but he was in awe of you. All the way home, he talked about how amazing it had been to see you for the first time.

Baby, you are the greatest gift to your Mama and Daddy. We love you so much. Please, please, continue to be healthy and strong for us. And we will be healthy and strong and loving for you.

I already love you, little one,

Your Mama

Monday, October 28, 2013

Let Your Heart Beat

Dear Sesame Seed,

I am awestruck by what we experienced today. Today your Daddy and I heard your heart beating for the very first time. It was so incredibly beautiful, joyful and just...alive. You, my dear Baby, are there, inside of me. I laughed and giggled and cried at the sound of you.

My dear Baby, how can I say all that I am feeling right now? The last week has been a rollercoaster of emotion for me. I have been sad and scared and I've worried and doubted. Baby, I want to be the best Mama I can for you, but I know how big this world is and how little I can control. Today, though, I heard your heart. Your healthy, beating heart. And that was my answer. Love, is the answer.

Sesame Seed, I am going to try to remember this: all we need is love. When I am scared, when I am doubting. When I am worried that I will not be enough for you, I will try my hardest to remember. All we need, all you need, is love. And I have that, and you have that. We have love. All the rest of it, we will figure out. Your Daddy and I, we have hit many a rock and a hard place and love has always gotten us through. And the same will be for you.

We love you, dear Baby. We will always love you. And that strong, beating heart you have, together with the hearts of your loving Mama and Daddy, will get you through anything.

I already love you, little one,

Your Mama

Monday, October 21, 2013

Introducing....the Grandparents!

Dear Sesame Seed,

This past week has been an eventful one for your larger family. We decided it was time to tell them about you! The most exciting thing was telling your grandparents, Daddy's Mom and Dad. You are going to be their very first grandchild, and Baby, they were so surprised! Of course, they are also so excited.

Sesame Seed, I want to tell you a bit about your grandparents, because I am excited for you to meet them too. Your Grandma, Daddy's Mom, is such a wonderful person. She is full of compassion for others and has worked her whole life to support others who need help and advocacy. She taught students with special needs, she helps women in tough situations, and she is constantly reaching out her hand to others. She is always patient and forgiving. She is also full of adventure and I have yet to see something that scares or daunts her. She loves to travel and will try almost anything she is curious about. When asked to do something that she is not proficient at, she sets her mind to the goal and always gives it her full and dedicated efforts. I look forward to you meeting your Grandma and learning about compassion, fearlessness and spunk.

Your Grandpa, Daddy's Dad, is thrilled that you are joining the family. He loves children and is always ready to play and be silly when there are kids around. Recently, he started learning acting and it is amazing to see someone pick up a new hobby after years of watching from the audience. Speaking of, your Grandpa loves plays and movies, and I am sure he is already compiling a list of all the things he wants to show you. He loves to share the things he finds funny and interesting with others. Your Grandpa has a strong sense of loyalty to his family, and is always encouraging his children to stay in touch with each other and their cousins. I look forward to you meeting your Grandpa and sharing jokes, games and good times with him.

Maybe by the next time I write to you, I will have told your other set of grandparents, my parents. There is so much to tell you about them, but that will wait. Right now, my sweet Baby, I am so glad to be holding you close inside my body. Although I am excited to have you meet the rest of your family and our friends, I am glad for this time that is just ours. I feel so lucky to be the one to hold you in this way.

I already love you, little one,

Your Mama

Monday, October 14, 2013

Baby Bump

Dear Sesame Seed,

I think I can detect a slight bump in my belly, where you are making room for yourself in my body. Baby, I am so excited to have a bit of physical proof that you are really there.

Yesterday, our dear friends T and N surprised us with a quick visit. Baby, I am so excited for you to meet T and for him to meet you! T is almost six years old, and he has been special to your Mama since he was just the tiniest baby. Your Daddy and T also have a special bond. I realized when looking at T, when watching him jump on Daddy's lap, or snuggle up with me for a story, how much our hearts are full with our love for him. He has wiggled around in our hearts so much that I think he made them twice their original size. And here's where I realized how true it is, that we have this limitless ability to love - it never runs out, our hearts just grow bigger to accommodate it.

I wonder if my real baby bump is not so much in my belly, but in my heart, where you are already wiggling around and making some space for yourself. You are teaching your Mama to open up a bit more, and make room in my heart for you.

I already love you, little one,

Your Mama

Thursday, October 10, 2013

A Few Of My Favorite Things

Dear Sesame Seed,

Since the last time I wrote to you, I spoke to a wise woman who helped me remember about a lot of the things that I love. We wrote a list together, and it was quite fun. I wanted to share some of it with you, and maybe add a few things. Baby, here are a few of my favorite things:

Flowers - I love to walk through a meadow and notice how many colors and shapes of flowers there are. There was this day this summer when Daddy and I went on a mission to collect an abundance of flowers. We drove through town stopping at the side of the road whenever we saw wild flowers growing and collected a few of each kind. When we got home, I took out all the vases in the house and made a bouquet for each room in our house. Also, flowers smell great.

Wild Raspberries - There is something so absolutely precious about coming upon a patch of wild raspberries while hiking through the woods. I can't wait to share the sweet sensation of biting into a sun-ripened raspberry with you. 

Music - Baby, this is something so vastly beautiful I don't think I can describe it in words. Music is just a true gift of the universe. The thing about music is it comes in every flavor. There are sad songs and happy songs, angry songs and sleepy songs, songs with words and songs without. You, my Baby, will find music that you love and connect to, I am sure of it. My absolute favorite music comes from the mouths and hands of friends, especially around a campfire.

Gratitude - This is one of the most valuable things I have ever discovered. Gratitude, I believe, is the key to feeling joyful and content. It is the ability to know all that we have and be present with the gift of all of it. Right now, on this cold day, I am grateful for warm knit hats, warm water that comes straight from my faucet and cozy blankets.

Sesame Seed, I am going to try to continue to tell you about all the beautiful things that are in this world you are going to be welcomed into. And I am going to try to remember them too, for myself.

I already love you, little one,

Your Mama

Cloudy Day

Dear Sesame Seed,

It is hard for me to write today. Your Mama is feeling gloomy, like the cloudy, foggy sky outside. But I am going to try to write, anyway, so that I can help us both understand a little bit about what it means when I feel this way.

The other day, I had a looong conversation with a dear friend. She is going through a slump, feeling gloomy, and not understanding how to teach her students about being joyful and embracing their true selves when she herself does not feel joyful. I told her about my thoughts about being a Mama who feels all kinds of things, and how that could be a hard thing for you to see, but also a good thing. My dear Baby, I apologize in advance for what you are going to see when you come into this world. It will be mostly beautiful, but also sometimes painful. As your Mama, and as a human who feels things very deeply, I hope I can show you one way to live in this confusing world.

Sesame Seed, when  I talked to my friend K, we promised each other that we would be pioneers of a new way of being. That, instead of hiding the strong feelings we have, we would embrace them and share them, so that others could see that it's ok to feel. You, my Baby, are going to have all kinds of feelings. I don't know which ones yet, you will have your own personality with your own set of dominant feelings. But I hope, by showing you the ones that I experience, I can help you learn that all feelings are ok, and that there are ways to get through even the toughest ones.

I already love you, little one,

Your Mama






Sunday, October 6, 2013

Grateful

Dear Sesame Seed,

Last night, we went out for dinner at a fabulous Greek restaurant. When we sat down we were quite close to all the tables around us. Across from me, there were a bunch of adults and one little boy. He may have been about two years old. He had soft blond curls and was sitting on a woman's lap. He was instantly loveable. I looked at him and I remembered all the times in the last few years that I have seen little ones and felt an ache, deep in my belly. Often, I would cry. Always, there was a deep, empty ache. And now, I know, it was an ache for you. You, my baby, are filling that space so perfectly. You are filling your Mama with gratefulness as you grow inside me.

I already love you, little one,

Your Mama


Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Friends Already

Dear Sesame Seed,

Last night, we went to your cousin Y's Birthday Party. While there I found out that your Aunt T is expecting. Baby, that means that you are going to have a cousin just about your age! The whole evening I couldn't help watching all your little cousins play together. I have always loved the connections they build with each other and I know how much they treasure each others friendships. I am so happy that you will have a cousin like that.

Along with your cousin-to-be, our dear friends R&M just had a baby girl this week. You two will be just a few months apart, and I can't wait to watch you play together when we visit them.

In other news, you are now about the size of a blueberry! We are so excited about you that we just can't keep a secret. We weren't planning on telling anyone for another month or so, but it seems to leak out sometimes. We are just so in love!

Sesame Seed, you are doing the funniest thing to your Mama. All of a sudden, I have no interest in sweet foods. Daddy pointed out that my favorite flavor of Ben & Jerry's (also my favorite ice cream) has been sitting in the freezer for weeks, which is a first. I have no interest in chocolate, juice tastes overly sweet and candies seem like a strange idea. We started calling you our savory baby. Actually, I love it because it means that I am eating more healthful and wholesome foods, which will be better for your growth. Again, I am amazed at how you communicate with me.

I already love you, little one,

Your Mama

Saturday, September 28, 2013

Autumn Musings

Dear Sesame Seed,

Good Morning! It is a beautiful morning, foggy, crisp and colorful. It's Autumn, Baby, and I am loving it. I'm not even too worried about winter this year, I know we will keep each other warm.

Here's the best update I have on you (funny, you already know all this, and I am just guessing): you are about the size of a lentil. You are beginning to form eyes, if I could see you I'd be able to see where they were going to be. You nose and ears are also beginning to form. You have the tiny beginnings of arms and legs, that the people who decide these things call "buds" like little flowers starting to grow! Your heart is not fully formed yet, but it's already beating. Wow, Baby, you have been busy!

Your Mama and Daddy have been busy too. Among all the rest of the things we do, we have been talking endlessly about where we should live. Mostly, we just talk in circles. It is so important to us to bring you into the world in the right environment. There is only so much we can control, but we are trying to do a good job with that part. The things we think about are raising you near family, but also having easy access to beautiful spaces. Being somewhere with good schools in case we decide to send you to school one day (don't worry, there's a long time before that would happen). We would love to be near friends, or other people in our stage of life, so that you can find friends nearby one day. There's more, but it's all grown-up stuff, and confusing.

Sesame Seed, either way, wherever we choose to settle down with you, you will be coming into our arms. We can't wait to show you how beautiful this world is, and how much there is to see and love here. For now, I will keep you warm and safe inside me.

I already love you, little one,

Your Mama

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

It's All a Circle

Dear Sesame Seed,

I want to share something with you that is making Mama sad this morning. Yesterday, your Mama found out that a dear person had left this world. He was a young person. His name was J, and although I had never met him, I know he was a dear friend of so many people whom I love. Baby, when you are born, I will introduce you to so many dear friends, who I know will love you wholly and unconditionally. And in each of them, you will see a tiny bit of this man, this J, who is no longer here.

Sesame Seed, as you grow, I am going to try to be the best Mama for you. I am going to try and hold you when you need holding and set you free when you need to run. I am going to try to teach you what I know and let you learn many things on your own. I know it will be a hard job, but I am going to try.  But Baby, what I am so afraid of, is having to teach you about how everything is a circle. I am afraid because I would so much rather protect you, shelter you from ever having to see the sadness, the brokenness, that is a part of this circle. But Baby, that won't help you grow.

So, Sesame Seed, I want you to know about J and how suddenly he left those he loved. I want you to know about the dark places that exist, and the way that this world can hurt us all and break our hearts. I want you to know about it, because I want you to know that it is all a circle. That the broken becomes beautiful and the beautiful becomes broken, and then back again. I want you to know, in ways that are not too heavy for your tiny little heart, that hurting happens but so does loving and laughing, holding and helping.

Sesame Seed, in so many ways you are the answer to my dreams and prayers. In so many ways you are already helping to fill my heart with joy and love. But I know that this world and this life are both a circle and a balancing act. And I promise you, Baby, I will try my hardest to help you see that it is beautiful.

I already love you, little one,

Your Mama

No to Garlic, Yes to Crackers

Dear Sesame Seed,

I guess you are growing bigger now, will we have to stop calling you our sesame seed? I guess sometimes a name just sticks, even when it is no longer relevant.

Sesame Seed, you are already teaching your Mama so much. These days, my belly is all out of whack. It's super hungry, super nauseous, and sensitive in ways that surprise me. This morning I had to have a little talk with myself about my reactions to all this. I was feeling annoyed by it all. And, if I am honest, I was blaming you for it. Then, when Daddy was downstairs getting some juice for me, I started talking to you and I realized what was going on. You, my growing baby, are communicating your needs to me. I realized that you needed me to eat the foods that are right for you, you need me to give you the nutrients you need for growing, and this is your way of letting me know. Baby, I am so proud of you for communicating your needs. That is so important.

Sesame Seed, I don't think you like garlic very much. But crackers, wow, I've never eaten so many crackers before in my life!

I already love you, little one,

Your Mama

Monday, September 23, 2013

We Got 2 Stripes

Dear Sesame Seed,

It's been only ten days since we saw two stripes on the pregnancy test. Two stripes!! Already, they have changed our entire lives.

Baby, I cannot stop thinking about you! Is it possible that I am in love with you, the sesame-seed-sized life forming in my belly? I am still so tiny, smaller even than most of the women I see. I look around and think, you don't know this, but there are two of us in this sweatshirt.

Sesame seed, I want to tell you so many things. I walk down the sidewalk and I am so excited for the day when you can see the things that I see. Bright red, orange and neon green leaves. Black and green crickets that jump oh-so-high. The flowers that are still bright even as the air becomes more chilly, letting us know with their pinks and purples that summer is not just a memory. The purslane and dandelion leaves that have fought their way through the concrete. Baby, can you believe how beautiful it all is?

Sesame seed, I can't wait to hold you in my arms. For now, I rub my belly all the time, hoping you can feel my love. Your daddy rubs my belly a lot too, sending you his love. I picked a good daddy for you, little one, I know you are going to love him. He already loves you so much. He reminds me every night to take my vitamins, so you can have what you need to grow the brain and heart you are working on right now. Baby, he really is the sweetest man I've ever known.

I already love you, little one,

Your Mama