Saturday, September 28, 2013

Autumn Musings

Dear Sesame Seed,

Good Morning! It is a beautiful morning, foggy, crisp and colorful. It's Autumn, Baby, and I am loving it. I'm not even too worried about winter this year, I know we will keep each other warm.

Here's the best update I have on you (funny, you already know all this, and I am just guessing): you are about the size of a lentil. You are beginning to form eyes, if I could see you I'd be able to see where they were going to be. You nose and ears are also beginning to form. You have the tiny beginnings of arms and legs, that the people who decide these things call "buds" like little flowers starting to grow! Your heart is not fully formed yet, but it's already beating. Wow, Baby, you have been busy!

Your Mama and Daddy have been busy too. Among all the rest of the things we do, we have been talking endlessly about where we should live. Mostly, we just talk in circles. It is so important to us to bring you into the world in the right environment. There is only so much we can control, but we are trying to do a good job with that part. The things we think about are raising you near family, but also having easy access to beautiful spaces. Being somewhere with good schools in case we decide to send you to school one day (don't worry, there's a long time before that would happen). We would love to be near friends, or other people in our stage of life, so that you can find friends nearby one day. There's more, but it's all grown-up stuff, and confusing.

Sesame Seed, either way, wherever we choose to settle down with you, you will be coming into our arms. We can't wait to show you how beautiful this world is, and how much there is to see and love here. For now, I will keep you warm and safe inside me.

I already love you, little one,

Your Mama

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

It's All a Circle

Dear Sesame Seed,

I want to share something with you that is making Mama sad this morning. Yesterday, your Mama found out that a dear person had left this world. He was a young person. His name was J, and although I had never met him, I know he was a dear friend of so many people whom I love. Baby, when you are born, I will introduce you to so many dear friends, who I know will love you wholly and unconditionally. And in each of them, you will see a tiny bit of this man, this J, who is no longer here.

Sesame Seed, as you grow, I am going to try to be the best Mama for you. I am going to try and hold you when you need holding and set you free when you need to run. I am going to try to teach you what I know and let you learn many things on your own. I know it will be a hard job, but I am going to try.  But Baby, what I am so afraid of, is having to teach you about how everything is a circle. I am afraid because I would so much rather protect you, shelter you from ever having to see the sadness, the brokenness, that is a part of this circle. But Baby, that won't help you grow.

So, Sesame Seed, I want you to know about J and how suddenly he left those he loved. I want you to know about the dark places that exist, and the way that this world can hurt us all and break our hearts. I want you to know about it, because I want you to know that it is all a circle. That the broken becomes beautiful and the beautiful becomes broken, and then back again. I want you to know, in ways that are not too heavy for your tiny little heart, that hurting happens but so does loving and laughing, holding and helping.

Sesame Seed, in so many ways you are the answer to my dreams and prayers. In so many ways you are already helping to fill my heart with joy and love. But I know that this world and this life are both a circle and a balancing act. And I promise you, Baby, I will try my hardest to help you see that it is beautiful.

I already love you, little one,

Your Mama

No to Garlic, Yes to Crackers

Dear Sesame Seed,

I guess you are growing bigger now, will we have to stop calling you our sesame seed? I guess sometimes a name just sticks, even when it is no longer relevant.

Sesame Seed, you are already teaching your Mama so much. These days, my belly is all out of whack. It's super hungry, super nauseous, and sensitive in ways that surprise me. This morning I had to have a little talk with myself about my reactions to all this. I was feeling annoyed by it all. And, if I am honest, I was blaming you for it. Then, when Daddy was downstairs getting some juice for me, I started talking to you and I realized what was going on. You, my growing baby, are communicating your needs to me. I realized that you needed me to eat the foods that are right for you, you need me to give you the nutrients you need for growing, and this is your way of letting me know. Baby, I am so proud of you for communicating your needs. That is so important.

Sesame Seed, I don't think you like garlic very much. But crackers, wow, I've never eaten so many crackers before in my life!

I already love you, little one,

Your Mama

Monday, September 23, 2013

We Got 2 Stripes

Dear Sesame Seed,

It's been only ten days since we saw two stripes on the pregnancy test. Two stripes!! Already, they have changed our entire lives.

Baby, I cannot stop thinking about you! Is it possible that I am in love with you, the sesame-seed-sized life forming in my belly? I am still so tiny, smaller even than most of the women I see. I look around and think, you don't know this, but there are two of us in this sweatshirt.

Sesame seed, I want to tell you so many things. I walk down the sidewalk and I am so excited for the day when you can see the things that I see. Bright red, orange and neon green leaves. Black and green crickets that jump oh-so-high. The flowers that are still bright even as the air becomes more chilly, letting us know with their pinks and purples that summer is not just a memory. The purslane and dandelion leaves that have fought their way through the concrete. Baby, can you believe how beautiful it all is?

Sesame seed, I can't wait to hold you in my arms. For now, I rub my belly all the time, hoping you can feel my love. Your daddy rubs my belly a lot too, sending you his love. I picked a good daddy for you, little one, I know you are going to love him. He already loves you so much. He reminds me every night to take my vitamins, so you can have what you need to grow the brain and heart you are working on right now. Baby, he really is the sweetest man I've ever known.

I already love you, little one,

Your Mama