Yucky Day

Dear Sesame Seed,

Today began with so much excitement and promise. We had a midwife appointment this morning, and we were excited to do an ultrasound and see you again. As an added bonus, we were going to find out your gender! So much excitement that we hardly minded waking up early in the frigid weather (they are calling this a Polar Vortex).

Well, the day kinda went sour soon after we set out. At the appointment we found out some good things; I have gained a healthy chunk of weight, you seem to be the perfect size, and you are in fact sitting right on my bladder - an explanation for why I pee every five minutes. However, we also found out that our midwives don't do ultrasounds, so we wouldn't see you today. And, for some reason, we seemed to get off to an odd start with this particular midwife (there are four in the practice) and we argued over miss communications for the first 15 minutes of the appointment. It took me crying for her to realize how she was affecting us and then she kind of softened up, but it made me feel extremely vulnerable and confused Daddy too. She mentioned the idea that maybe we shouldn't be doing a home birth, which is not what I want to hear. I want to bring you into the world in the safest most comfortable way we can and to me that is at home. I want our midwives to be as committed to that as I am.

On the way home, Daddy was upset too, because he said it seemed like I was undermining the midwife's advice. I guess I can get stubborn when I think I am not being listened to. The whole situation just felt unnecessarily hostile, and I was overwhelmed, disappointed and just plain exhausted after it all. I am sure things will get better in future visits, I am sure this was just a fluke. I certainly hope so, at least.

I already love you, little one,

Your Mama

Mama's Girl

Dear Sesame Seed,

It seems we are awake at some un-godly hour again. It happens, and I'm sure it will happen a lot more once you are here to make your voice heard. Well, at least we have each other for company.

There has been something on my mind, on and off for a while, but even more so the past few weeks. I avoided it for most of that time, but when I finally had the courage to stare it in the eye and examine it, I think I discovered what was bothering me. I think I am up at this hour wanting to process it all in writing, so here goes.

Sesame Seed, to begin with, I want to say that I know with absolute certainty that I will love you from the day you are born and every single day after that. I already do love you so much. When I thought about raising a child recently, however, I was struck with a very particular fear - the fear that you might be a girl. It seemed ridiculous to me. I know I will love you regardless of gender, and I know that my ideas of gender are fluid. I know I will raise you with the same values and ideas about your own strength and abilities regardless of your gender. I know that I believe that gender expressions can look totally different and that I believe all kinds of gender expression are ok. So why on earth would I not only care, but be frightened by the idea of you being born a girl?

I thought about any of the fears that might be associated with you being a girl. Protecting you from sexism and violence against women, allowing you to believe in your power and strength, the various things that I think mothers of girls are challenged with. But none of that was it. If anything, I think I am more equipped to help you through that because of my own attitudes towards all that.

I talked to some people about my fear, and the way I explained it was this simplified version where I said things like - I don't do makeup and girl drama - but it felt really false to say those things. Those are neither important to me nor are they important to being a good Mama.

And, besides, what I realized quite suddenly, is that I DO do those things. And that's when I realized how right your Daddy was (as usual). He had told me that there was no way my fear had to do with you - the baby I have dreamed of and wished for my whole life, the baby I will love wholly and completely, the baby I am already so protective of. My fears started and ended with me. Having you was just a trigger to deal with those fears now. And those fears are...drumroll please....I am not a good enough woman to raise a girl.

Ridiculous, right? There is no such thing as a "good enough" woman. I am who I am, and that's just right for me. However, it became clear to me that what other people have told me or implied to me about the kind of woman I am has actually made me fear my ability to be the best Mama for you. Why? I have been creating a picture of my own gender expression, putting myself into a box, in order to fight the disapproval of people who don't like the woman that I am. But boxes are not fluid, and I am. My boxes included things like not getting dressed up and feeling pretty, not watching light "girly" movies, not being a stereotypical woman in the way that our current culture defines it just because I was made to believe that if I tried to do that I would fail. And I led myself to believe that I did this because of a gender fluidity.

And I am gender fluid. But not because I can't do girly stuff, but because I sometimes choose not to. And actually, although it doesn't make me a better or worse woman, I do like to dress up and look pretty. I sometimes drive your Daddy a little crazy trying on too many outfits before we go out somewhere. And I do understand sensitive emotions - of girls or boys - and I can listen well and be gentle and loving with my responses. And I think I have a knack for color combinations. And I am a really good cook. And I am a gentle, nurturing care giver. Not that a boy or man couldn't be those things, but what's important to me is that I actually can do the stereotypically female things just fine. I have just been made to believe I couldn't.

And I am done with that. You, my Baby Love, need more than that. You need a Mama who believes in herself and her ability to raise you and care for you no matter what. You need a Mama who is undaunted by the judgments of others. You need a Mama who believes in her own strength.

Whether you are a boy, a girl, or something in between, I will be your ever-loving Mama. And together, we will take on the world, with all of its craziness and beauty.

I already love you, little one,

Your Mama

Slowing it Down

Dear Sesame Seed,

I am not supposed to be home right now, relaxing in my favorite green chair, sipping a drink and writing this letter to you. I am supposed to be with my sisters, celebrating your Aunt D's birthday. I know I am probably offending several people right now. Actually, I am quite sure I had already offended them earlier today, by not explaining why I wasn't going to the party. But I am done being worried about all that.

Baby, you are the most important thing in my world. The last few weeks, I have been running between family functions and events. They have been fun, and I do enjoy being nearer to our family, but they have also been exhausting and draining. Being with family is not usually all positive. It's intense, with miss-communications and misunderstandings, hurt feelings and triggered emotions. I love our family, but right now, I need a break.

With you in my belly, I need to concentrate even more on my health. Being stable, being able to eat well, sleep well, even exercise sometimes, will affect your growth. It will affect how healthy we both are when you enter this world. And, Baby, whether it offends people or not, I need to but that first on my list.

You are, now and forever, the first on my list.

I already love you, little one,

Your Mama

Planes and Tractors

Dear Sesame Seed,

Your Aunt S is home!!! I am so deliriously happy to have her near. I think when she is gone, I feel like I am missing a limb. Last night your Uncle M and I picked her up from the airport and she cried when she saw us. Of course, she wanted to check my belly and get a glimpse of you! Baby, your Aunt S was the very first person to know about you after Daddy and I. Actually, she knew about you when we were just hoping for you! She has been so far away, halfway across the world, and I've missed her terribly. She is only home for a short visit now, but I am sure when you are born she will be around to give you all her love.

Baby, you must be on a humongous growth spurt right now. What else would explain the fourteen meals I eat a day? I feel like I am hungry the minute I put my fork down on an empty plate. Good job, Baby dear, good job growing. You are far from sesame-seed-sized at this point.

I have started working on some projects for you. I want to make the first blanket we receive you in. So far I have one all pinned up, but our sewing machine has a mind all its own and doesn't seem to want me to get my project done. Oh well, I will find another solution somehow. I am also working on a mobile for you to look at when you are lying down. It is needle felted, and I am making little farm animals. So far there is a sheep and a chicken. They are quite cute, if I may say so myself.

Oh Baby, how I love you! I worry about you, but I know you must be safe and warm inside my belly.

I already love you, little one,

Your Mama

Lullabies and Diamond Rings

Dear Sesame Seed,

Last night I put Daddy to sleep by singing him lullabies and giving him head rubs. I think we were both imagining how sweet it will be when we can do that for you.  I started to sing the "Hush Little Baby" lullaby, but then I realized I didn't like the lyrics at all. So I wrote some new ones just for you:

" Hush little baby, don't say a word
Mama's not gonna buy you anything
You don't need things that you get with money
All that you need is in your
Heart and Brain and Tummy "

Daddy and I have been talking about that concept a lot. A lot of people's reactions to having a baby seems to be to buy lots of stuff. Now, don't get me wrong, I always want you to have everything you need, and a lot of the things you want. However, what is a "need" seems to be really different for different people. Here are some things I do believe that you will need in your life, and that I am committed to making sure that you have:

- food, healthful and enough of it, and of appealing taste as often as possible
- water, clean and fresh and enough
- shelter from elements that could harm you, including proper clothing to be warm, dry and comfortable
- education, creative outlets, and the space and resources from which to acquire the knowledge you seek
- a sense of security that your physical and emotional health will be maintained to the best of our abilities, that you will have an element of autonomy over your body and life as well as a stable and balanced structure that you can depend on
- love, not dependent on anything, given without expectations, unlimited.

What I want you to have is not limited to these things. And, I want you to be able to ask for and receive things that are simply "wants" and not "needs" at all. I want you to understand that having things just for the fun and enjoyment of them is okay. That you deserve to be happy and enjoy things. However, I want you to understand the difference between these two, and I want you to feel gratitude for what you have.

I hope that we, as a team, are successful in this.

I already love you, little one,

Your Mama

Another MJ Fan !?!

Dear Sesame Seed,

Last week, we went to see your Aunt D's new house. In her basement, she has a home theater. The sound system is awesome, and we watched 'This Is It' to test it all out. 'This Is It' happens to be one of my absolute favorite movies - I call it my "Comfort Movie" because it always makes me happy when I watch it. I love Michael Jackson's music, and I love watching him be himself. There are moments that are so beautiful I cry.

Well, we were listening to the song "Black or White," which he performs with an awesome, bad-ass bassist, when I felt a fluttering in my belly. It was different than anything I had felt before. Could it be? Was I feeling you moving around in my belly?

I think so.

It felt like someone giving me a butterfly kiss inside my belly. It felt like love. It felt like the most incredible moment of my life.

Since then, I have felt you move around twice. Usually when everything is super calm and quiet. The thing is, there was nothing calm or quiet about that moment. It was loud, exciting, intense. There is only one explanation then. You, my little Sesame Seed, are another MJ fan.

And I can't wait to listen to MJ and dance like a freak with you!

I already love you, little one,

Your Mama

call me Mama

they said when a seed implants inside you
you will suddenly see the endless ways
her soil nourished fragile you

but i don't

i weep for the little seed that was my Self
the little seed that knew before knowing came
that it would never have enough
enough holding
enough wanting
enough loving
enough

it would never be enough

i feel the little seed inside me move
and i am moved by a power so strong
Love is a meaningless word,
lighter than mist before the dawn
smaller than brassica seeds
finer than the sand between my toes
Love, is a meaningless word

i weep for the little seed that was my Self
that came without strings, without bounds
without labels, lines or scripts
that was told before it could speak
you can not
you will not
you shall not

you will never be able to

i feel the seed inside me move
and i am moved by a power so strong
i could lift mountains,
i could sail through typhoons
i could run the length and breadth of the earth and back again
if i could only tell my little seed

but Love is a meaningless word

Heart Sore

Dear Sesame Seed,

Mama is tired. Why? Who knows...moving, holidays, worrying...whatever it is, all your Mama wants to do is sleep. Maybe that's what you need, I hope so.

We are in our new home. We have only one framed photo up so far, of your sonogram. It's cute, you look like a little peanut. We are making it feel like a home slowly, unpacking boxes and setting it up. I think it will feel a little empty until you arrive.

I think one reason I am so tired is that I have been feeling heartbroken since spending time with one of your little cousins. I wanted to take him home with me and give him all the love I have, save him. I know that having you, that trying to be the best Mama for you, the best partner for your Daddy, is my way of trying to fix things. Of trying to break the chains of hurt and lost love that exist both in my past and in so much of this world. I know this is all too heavy for you to hear, my sweet Baby, but this is part of who I will be as your Mama. Someone who has been hurt and who is trying to combat brokenness with love. I know that I can't fix the whole world. I know that trying to fix everything spreads one person too thin and means you never get to really help anything at all. I am trying to focus inward - to be healthy for you, for Daddy, for the people I can help. But my heart hurts for that little boy.

I already love you, little one,

Your Mama

Homeward Bound

Dear Sesame Seed,

It has been way too long since I have written you a letter. Don't worry though, I have been talking to you, singing to you, dancing with you at every moment. So much has happened, we have been quite busy. To begin with, we have started announcing your presence to the whole world - I mean everyone I lay eyes on has to know how excited I am about you. It might be partially due to how tiny I am, so they wouldn't know if I didn't announce it. But mostly, it's because your Daddy and I are just exploding with excitement about your presence in our lives.

Sesame Seed, there is other exciting news. We have found the house that will be your first home. We hope you are as happy with it as we are. Though the house itself is sweet, we are even more pleased with the location. We will be living in close proximity to both sets of your grandparents, close to almost all of your cousins, aunts and uncles, and close to lots of our friends. As we talk about values we want to share with you, it is clear that a connection to family is so important to us. We want you to know your grandparents, they are all such wonderful people who you can learn a lot from. We want you to feel the support of your aunts and uncles, they have been our greatest supports in our lives and we want you to be able to feel their embrace as well. And, most of all, we want you to have the gift of friendship your cousins can offer you. We hope this home can be the start of creating all these connections for you.

I already love you, little one,

Your Mama

Tea With the Queen

Dear Sesame Seed,

Oh, my sweet Baby! How can I describe how much your Mama loves you? Sweet, tiny little you. You gave us the biggest scare yesterday, but also a sweet surprise.

When I started to feel a strange kind of pain yesterday, I was so scared that you weren't ok. I knew that I loved you before, but Baby, I could never have imagined how much it would shock and hurt me to think you might be in danger. After a series of attempts to just be calm and zen through the pain, we went to see a doctor about it, in the hospital. Your Daddy was such a champ about it. Supporting me, staying up till all hours of the night waiting for an answer.

When the doctor told us we were going to need an ultrasound we were scared, but also excited. It would mean we'd get to see you! And Sesame Seed, it was such a gift. With Daddy holding my hand the whole time, we watched you appear on the screen. Baby, there are no words for how wonderful it was to see you, to know that you are ok. I don't think you liked the scrutiny much. You wiggled and danced (Daddy says you dance like me, when I am rocking out in the kitchen) and squirmed. You crossed your legs, like you were having tea with the queen, and you brought your hands to your face, maybe to suck your thumb? And you were just so perfect.

After that, Daddy was just brimming with excitement and joy. All the stress was a bit too much for me, but he was in awe of you. All the way home, he talked about how amazing it had been to see you for the first time.

Baby, you are the greatest gift to your Mama and Daddy. We love you so much. Please, please, continue to be healthy and strong for us. And we will be healthy and strong and loving for you.

I already love you, little one,

Your Mama