Heart Sore

Dear Sesame Seed,

Mama is tired. Why? Who knows...moving, holidays, worrying...whatever it is, all your Mama wants to do is sleep. Maybe that's what you need, I hope so.

We are in our new home. We have only one framed photo up so far, of your sonogram. It's cute, you look like a little peanut. We are making it feel like a home slowly, unpacking boxes and setting it up. I think it will feel a little empty until you arrive.

I think one reason I am so tired is that I have been feeling heartbroken since spending time with one of your little cousins. I wanted to take him home with me and give him all the love I have, save him. I know that having you, that trying to be the best Mama for you, the best partner for your Daddy, is my way of trying to fix things. Of trying to break the chains of hurt and lost love that exist both in my past and in so much of this world. I know this is all too heavy for you to hear, my sweet Baby, but this is part of who I will be as your Mama. Someone who has been hurt and who is trying to combat brokenness with love. I know that I can't fix the whole world. I know that trying to fix everything spreads one person too thin and means you never get to really help anything at all. I am trying to focus inward - to be healthy for you, for Daddy, for the people I can help. But my heart hurts for that little boy.

I already love you, little one,

Your Mama