Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Slowing it Down

Dear Sesame Seed,

I am not supposed to be home right now, relaxing in my favorite green chair, sipping a drink and writing this letter to you. I am supposed to be with my sisters, celebrating your Aunt D's birthday. I know I am probably offending several people right now. Actually, I am quite sure I had already offended them earlier today, by not explaining why I wasn't going to the party. But I am done being worried about all that.

Baby, you are the most important thing in my world. The last few weeks, I have been running between family functions and events. They have been fun, and I do enjoy being nearer to our family, but they have also been exhausting and draining. Being with family is not usually all positive. It's intense, with miss-communications and misunderstandings, hurt feelings and triggered emotions. I love our family, but right now, I need a break.

With you in my belly, I need to concentrate even more on my health. Being stable, being able to eat well, sleep well, even exercise sometimes, will affect your growth. It will affect how healthy we both are when you enter this world. And, Baby, whether it offends people or not, I need to but that first on my list.

You are, now and forever, the first on my list.

I already love you, little one,

Your Mama

Friday, December 20, 2013

Planes and Tractors

Dear Sesame Seed,

Your Aunt S is home!!! I am so deliriously happy to have her near. I think when she is gone, I feel like I am missing a limb. Last night your Uncle M and I picked her up from the airport and she cried when she saw us. Of course, she wanted to check my belly and get a glimpse of you! Baby, your Aunt S was the very first person to know about you after Daddy and I. Actually, she knew about you when we were just hoping for you! She has been so far away, halfway across the world, and I've missed her terribly. She is only home for a short visit now, but I am sure when you are born she will be around to give you all her love.

Baby, you must be on a humongous growth spurt right now. What else would explain the fourteen meals I eat a day? I feel like I am hungry the minute I put my fork down on an empty plate. Good job, Baby dear, good job growing. You are far from sesame-seed-sized at this point.

I have started working on some projects for you. I want to make the first blanket we receive you in. So far I have one all pinned up, but our sewing machine has a mind all its own and doesn't seem to want me to get my project done. Oh well, I will find another solution somehow. I am also working on a mobile for you to look at when you are lying down. It is needle felted, and I am making little farm animals. So far there is a sheep and a chicken. They are quite cute, if I may say so myself.

Oh Baby, how I love you! I worry about you, but I know you must be safe and warm inside my belly.

I already love you, little one,

Your Mama

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Lullabies and Diamond Rings

Dear Sesame Seed,

Last night I put Daddy to sleep by singing him lullabies and giving him head rubs. I think we were both imagining how sweet it will be when we can do that for you.  I started to sing the "Hush Little Baby" lullaby, but then I realized I didn't like the lyrics at all. So I wrote some new ones just for you:

" Hush little baby, don't say a word
Mama's not gonna buy you anything
You don't need things that you get with money
All that you need is in your
Heart and Brain and Tummy "

Daddy and I have been talking about that concept a lot. A lot of people's reactions to having a baby seems to be to buy lots of stuff. Now, don't get me wrong, I always want you to have everything you need, and a lot of the things you want. However, what is a "need" seems to be really different for different people. Here are some things I do believe that you will need in your life, and that I am committed to making sure that you have:

- food, healthful and enough of it, and of appealing taste as often as possible
- water, clean and fresh and enough
- shelter from elements that could harm you, including proper clothing to be warm, dry and comfortable
- education, creative outlets, and the space and resources from which to acquire the knowledge you seek
- a sense of security that your physical and emotional health will be maintained to the best of our abilities, that you will have an element of autonomy over your body and life as well as a stable and balanced structure that you can depend on
- love, not dependent on anything, given without expectations, unlimited.

What I want you to have is not limited to these things. And, I want you to be able to ask for and receive things that are simply "wants" and not "needs" at all. I want you to understand that having things just for the fun and enjoyment of them is okay. That you deserve to be happy and enjoy things. However, I want you to understand the difference between these two, and I want you to feel gratitude for what you have.

I hope that we, as a team, are successful in this.

I already love you, little one,

Your Mama

Friday, December 6, 2013

Another MJ Fan !?!

Dear Sesame Seed,

Last week, we went to see your Aunt D's new house. In her basement, she has a home theater. The sound system is awesome, and we watched 'This Is It' to test it all out. 'This Is It' happens to be one of my absolute favorite movies - I call it my "Comfort Movie" because it always makes me happy when I watch it. I love Michael Jackson's music, and I love watching him be himself. There are moments that are so beautiful I cry.

Well, we were listening to the song "Black or White," which he performs with an awesome, bad-ass bassist, when I felt a fluttering in my belly. It was different than anything I had felt before. Could it be? Was I feeling you moving around in my belly?

I think so.

It felt like someone giving me a butterfly kiss inside my belly. It felt like love. It felt like the most incredible moment of my life.

Since then, I have felt you move around twice. Usually when everything is super calm and quiet. The thing is, there was nothing calm or quiet about that moment. It was loud, exciting, intense. There is only one explanation then. You, my little Sesame Seed, are another MJ fan.

And I can't wait to listen to MJ and dance like a freak with you!

I already love you, little one,

Your Mama

Thursday, December 5, 2013

call me Mama

they said when a seed implants inside you
you will suddenly see the endless ways
her soil nourished fragile you

but i don't

i weep for the little seed that was my Self
the little seed that knew before knowing came
that it would never have enough
enough holding
enough wanting
enough loving

it would never be enough

i feel the little seed inside me move
and i am moved by a power so strong
Love is a meaningless word,
lighter than mist before the dawn
smaller than brassica seeds
finer than the sand between my toes
Love, is a meaningless word

i weep for the little seed that was my Self
that came without strings, without bounds
without labels, lines or scripts
that was told before it could speak
you can not
you will not
you shall not

you will never be able to

i feel the seed inside me move
and i am moved by a power so strong
i could lift mountains,
i could sail through typhoons
i could run the length and breadth of the earth and back again
if i could only tell my little seed

but Love is a meaningless word

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Heart Sore

Dear Sesame Seed,

Mama is tired. Why? Who knows...moving, holidays, worrying...whatever it is, all your Mama wants to do is sleep. Maybe that's what you need, I hope so.

We are in our new home. We have only one framed photo up so far, of your sonogram. It's cute, you look like a little peanut. We are making it feel like a home slowly, unpacking boxes and setting it up. I think it will feel a little empty until you arrive.

I think one reason I am so tired is that I have been feeling heartbroken since spending time with one of your little cousins. I wanted to take him home with me and give him all the love I have, save him. I know that having you, that trying to be the best Mama for you, the best partner for your Daddy, is my way of trying to fix things. Of trying to break the chains of hurt and lost love that exist both in my past and in so much of this world. I know this is all too heavy for you to hear, my sweet Baby, but this is part of who I will be as your Mama. Someone who has been hurt and who is trying to combat brokenness with love. I know that I can't fix the whole world. I know that trying to fix everything spreads one person too thin and means you never get to really help anything at all. I am trying to focus inward - to be healthy for you, for Daddy, for the people I can help. But my heart hurts for that little boy.

I already love you, little one,

Your Mama