Thursday, January 9, 2014

Yucky Day

Dear Sesame Seed,

Today began with so much excitement and promise. We had a midwife appointment this morning, and we were excited to do an ultrasound and see you again. As an added bonus, we were going to find out your gender! So much excitement that we hardly minded waking up early in the frigid weather (they are calling this a Polar Vortex).

Well, the day kinda went sour soon after we set out. At the appointment we found out some good things; I have gained a healthy chunk of weight, you seem to be the perfect size, and you are in fact sitting right on my bladder - an explanation for why I pee every five minutes. However, we also found out that our midwives don't do ultrasounds, so we wouldn't see you today. And, for some reason, we seemed to get off to an odd start with this particular midwife (there are four in the practice) and we argued over miss communications for the first 15 minutes of the appointment. It took me crying for her to realize how she was affecting us and then she kind of softened up, but it made me feel extremely vulnerable and confused Daddy too. She mentioned the idea that maybe we shouldn't be doing a home birth, which is not what I want to hear. I want to bring you into the world in the safest most comfortable way we can and to me that is at home. I want our midwives to be as committed to that as I am.

On the way home, Daddy was upset too, because he said it seemed like I was undermining the midwife's advice. I guess I can get stubborn when I think I am not being listened to. The whole situation just felt unnecessarily hostile, and I was overwhelmed, disappointed and just plain exhausted after it all. I am sure things will get better in future visits, I am sure this was just a fluke. I certainly hope so, at least.

I already love you, little one,

Your Mama

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